It’s the NBA off-season and college basketball hasn’t started yet, so I need to get my fix. Last year, Zach Lowe from Grantland posted an article detailing his personal list of the best team names in the NBA. Needless to say, our choices vary greatly. Here’s mine, in descending order:
30. Miami Heat
I get it… because it’s hot in Miami…
29. New Orleans Pelicans
Pelicans look like cartoon birds drawn by artists tripping on acid. I’m not afraid of “The Pelicans,” the name sounds like a very poor joke.
28. Phoenix Suns
I get it again… because it’s hot in Phoenix…
27. Orlando Magic
Boooooooo corporate advertising. We all know Disney World is in Orlando, but this team name is incredibly lame. In fairness to the Magic, I tried to come up with an alternate name, but the only feature of Orlando culture I could think of was Disney World. Perhaps Orlando shouldn’t have a team…
26. Brooklyn Nets
The net is literally the object that hangs beneath the rim. This name is synonymous with calling a baseball team “The Birmingham Base Chalk.” Brooklyn is one of the coolest places on Earth, which makes the terribleness of this name even worse.
25. Philadelphia 76ers
Look, I think it’s great that Philadelphia is proud of its history regarding the founding of the United States, but 1776 isn’t the proper subject for a team name. Philadelphia has terrible sports names in general (I’m looking at you, Philadelphia Phillies), but this one is particularly lazy. Just rename the team “The Philadelphia Freedom,” the colors could even remain the same.
24. Cleveland Cavaliers
The last time I checked, the city of Cleveland had absolutely nothing to do with the English Civil War, Charles I or lavish dress. Ironically, Cleveland was cavalier about this naming decision. I have no idea what to choose as an alternative, because I know next-to-nothing about Cleveland, Ohio, other than what I learned from years of watching The Drew Carey Show. I will say, however, that Cleveland has awful sports team names in general, including the horribly offensive “Indians” and the confusing “Browns.”
23. Indiana Pacers
Full disclosure: my impressions of Indiana may or may not be completely based on the television show Parks and Recreation. Also, as a native of Maryland, I find it offensive that Indianapolis claims the nickname “Naptown,” which should only be applied to our state’s beautiful capital, Annapolis. That being said, I suppose I will give Indiana an A for effort and a D for results. “Pacers” is an obvious allusion to the Indianapolis 500, and the notion of speed crafted by the name is appealing for basketball purposes, but “pacer” makes me think of “pacemaker,” a bad omen for the 11th most obese state in America.
22. Portland Trail Blazers
“Trail Blazers” fits with the city of Portland, but it just doesn’t sound pleasant. “Portland Trail Blazers” has a clunky rhythm. I have no idea for a replacement name, because Portland is too strange of a place to pencil down in one word.
21. Denver Nuggets
This is an obvious Gold Rush allusion, but I don’t find it compelling. A “nugget” is a nondescript item. Denver has great team names apart from this slug, particularly the Colorado Avalanche of the NHL. I think the team should take advantage of the huge presence of the nearby US Air Force and change the name to the Colorado Reapers.
20. Golden State Warriors
This is as generic as a sports team name can be. I wholeheartedly urge Steve Kerr to lobby to change the name of this team to the San Francisco Fog, which is relevant, menacing, and supremely cool. The team could even have fog emanating from the stands during warm-ups! What a missed opportunity.
19. Los Angeles Clippers
This team name made a lot of sense when the team was based in San Diego, a city actually built on the water that houses clipper boats. Los Angeles, on the other hand, is landlocked. You do the math.
18. Los Angeles Lakers
This team name made a lot of sense when the team was based in Minneapolis, a city actually built near a ton of lakes. Los Angeles, on the other hand, doesn’t even have its own water supply. Womp womp.
17. Oklahoma City Thunder
If the team is to keep “Thunder” as the name, they should drop “City” and simply be “The Oklahoma Thunder,” which sounds immensely better than the current state. I, however, think the team should be “The Oklahoma Outlaws” instead, which is much more relevant to my conception of Oklahoma.
16. Utah Jazz
This is another misnomer only because of relocation. This team used to be based in New Orleans, and is easily the best of the one word non-pluralized names. The New Orleans Jazz is a badass name, but Utah is probably the least “jazzy” place in America, and so the Jazz must stay in the bottom half of NBA team names.
15. Toronto Raptors
I actually enjoy this name, but the focus is on the wrong animal. The name appears to be an allusion to velociraptors, but I prefer to think of it as a reference to raptors, a family of birds that includes falcons, hawks, eagles and buzzards. “Raptor” quite literally means “seizer,” which is fantastic. Keep the name, change the mascot.
14. Sacramento Kings
This name is generic, boring and does not relate to northern California in any way to my knowledge, but it is also inoffensive. Middle-of-the-pack to the extreme.
13. Washington Wizards
As a Baltimore homer, I have to say that I think the Baltimore Bullets is probably the best team name in NBA history. That name lost most of its luster when the team moved to neighboring (and worse) Washington, D.C. “The Washington Bullets” lacks the wonderful alliteration that made the original name ideal. Picking up on the alliteration, the team changed the name to “The Washington Wizards” in the late 90s. As a fan of the Wizards, I have a soft spot for the name, but it has nothing to do with the regional identity of Mid-Atlantic residents or the city of Washington. I think the team should be called “The Washington Monuments,” and the logo could be an anthropomorphic Washington Monument with arms palming a basketball in each hand. Tell me that wouldn’t be amazing.
12. Atlanta Hawks
Hawks are fantastic animals, but to my knowledge, hawks have no specific relevance to the city of Atlanta.
11. Memphis Grizzlies
“Grizzlies” is actually my favorite name in the NBA, but the team is kept out of the top 10 due to relocation. At origin, the team was based in Vancouver, British Columbia, a territory known for the presence of grizzly bears. Memphis, predictably, has no grizzly bears.
10. Milwaukee Bucks
There is something about “Milwaukee Bucks” that makes the phrase very fun to say. Bucks are also great animals, and the giant, lifeless deer head that the team uses for a logo is scary.
9. Minnesota Timberwolves
“Minnesota Timberwolves” rolls off the tongue. With a 4-syllable locale, the team was somewhat limited in the names it could choose, and this one is perfect. The timber wolf is a majestic creature that has specific ties to Minnesota, and Crunch the Wolf is probably the best mascot in the NBA.
8. Dallas Mavericks
The first word that comes to mind when I think of Dallas is “Maverick.” “Maverick” is a byword for a stubborn pioneer and it was the title of a classic television show set in Texas. The color scheme also works perfectly with the horse mascot, and the name perfectly suits owner Mark Cuban.
7. San Antonio Spurs
Quick, picture San Antonio. Did you think of tumbleweeds and cowboy boots? Me too. That’s why “The Spurs” is a perfect name for San Antonio.
6. Charlotte Hornets
Charlotte is nicknamed both “The Queen City” and “The Hornets’ Nest,” which makes “Hornets” the perfect name for this team. The honeycomb pattern on the hardwood floor of the arena is interminably awesome.
5. Boston Celtics
It’s hard to argue with the classics. “Boston Celtics” has a perfect cadence and the name matches perfectly with the Irish heritage of the city. The color scheme is probably the most appealing in the entire league, and Lucky the Leprechaun is one of the best mascots in all of professional sports.
4. Houston Rockets
A reference to the Lyndon B. Johnson Space Center in Houston, “Rockets” is a perfect name for an NBA team and lends itself to numerous “lift off” based puns.
3. Chicago Bulls
Easily the best logo in the NBA, the bull is a menacing creature that strikes fear into the hearts of many. Chicago has a long history of meatpacking, so the name has regional cache. Everything works.
2. New York Knicks
A shortening of “knickerbocker,” a type of pant commonly worn by the Dutch settlers of 17th century New York, the name has little actual meaning or relevance today, but it sounds lively and fun. “New York Knicks” has the best rhythm of any NBA team name and it suits the city of New York immensely well.
1. Detroit Pistons
The best name in the NBA. Basketball is a team sport that requires all of its parts to work together like a car engine, so it makes great sense that the Motor City would call its team “The Pistons.” The rhythm works, the color scheme is fantastic and the imagery works wonders. Kudos, Detroit, you’ve done something right for once.
Check back soon for a list of the best and worst team logos in the NBA. I get bored a lot.
Before the Deluge 