Last week, Spin magazine published a list of the rankings of every Led Zeppelin song. Their list was disgusting trash, so here is what I deem to be a much better list. The difference between my rankings and Spin’s are placed next to the song titles.
THE TERRIBLE
92. “LA Drone” ↓ 5
Not so much a song as a brief introduction to How the West Was Won, this is just a 14 second piece of aptly-named droning noise. This wins the worst song title by default.
91. “Carouselambra” ↓ 65
The worst real song Zeppelin ever released. As you can see, Spin thought this was good enough to make the top 1/3 of the catalog, which I find thoroughly offensive. The synth riff at the beginning is intrusive and lazy, and Plant’s vocals sound even more distant than usual. A meandering, 10+ minute exercise in manual masturbation, I never care to hear this song again.
90. “Candy Store Rock” ↓ 4
Presence is an atrocious album. The members of Zeppelin were so high and so far up their own asses and nowhere is this more audible than in “Candy Store Rock.” How many times did Robert Plant say the word “baby” in the Zeppelin catalog? I’m willing to bet 500, many of them in this song alone.
89. “All My Love” ↓ 30
Okay, the synth strings sound pretty cool, but even half the band hated this song. Plant’s tone during the chorus sounds about as pleasant as pained cat. For some reason, classic rock radio seems intent on making this song a fixture of the catalog. I can’t possibly understand why.
88. “Living Loving Maid (She’s Just a Woman)” ↓ 38
The lowest point of the Golden Era of Zeppelin, this annoying mimicry of The Byrds is (pun intended) for the birds.
87. “Royal Orleans” ↓ 5
A great intro riff that is incredibly wasted by Plant’s muttering nonsense lyrics and a verse structure that tries to be jazzy.
THE BAD
86. “Walter’s Walk” ↓ 14
The intro lick promises Hendrix’s energy, but a rare poor performance from Bonham and Plant’s typical faded lyrics keep the potential from turning kinetic.
85. “Tea for One” ↓ 4
Awkward tempo change + Terrible vocals + Pretentious masturbatory guitar solo = 10 minutes of aural pain.
84. “South Bound Saurez” ↓ 5
As far as I’m concerned, this is just 4 minutes of Robert Plant muttering “baby” over faux-dance hall piano.
83. “Baby Come on Home” ↓ 17
Ew. I refuse to believe that the Hammer of the Gods recorded this pseudo-church hymn. I banish this from my playlists for all time.
82. “Key to the Highway/Trouble in Mind” (Not Listed)
Plant’s vocals sound intentionally off on this track, and I don’t appreciate it.
81. “Hots On For Nowhere” ↓ 10
Essentially a joke of an attempt at songwriting. Late Zeppelin was characterized by too much reliance on effects, onomatopoeia and rolling beats.
80. “Sick Again” ↓ 16
The worst song on Physical Graffiti, a junk closer unbefitting of the rest of the album.
79. “Wearing and Tearing” ↓ 28
This song sounds like what I imagine a bad coke binge to feel like.
78. “C’mon Everybody” (Not Listed)
Straight-forward concert intro rocker.
77. “The Wanton Song” ↓ 50
Foreshadowing the remainder of Zeppelin’s career, this song could have been placed on Presence or ITTOD without anyone noticing.
76. “Poor Tom” ↓ 16
Interesting drums from Bonham, but there is a reason the band never performed this song live: it’s boring.
75. “Out on the Tiles” ↓ 21
This song is so harsh. The chorus is poorly constructed, and Plant’s vocals don’t fit the otherwise acceptable instrumentation (per usual).
74. “Somethin’ Else” ↑ 10
Meh. A candy dancing tune. Nothing more, nothing less.
THE OKAY
73. “We’re Gonna Groove” ↓ 4
A straight-forward rock song, and a pretty bad one at that.
72. “Your Time Is Gonna Come” ↓ 28
The worst song on the debut album, this piece seems fairly pointless. Probably explains why it’s buried in the middle of the album.
71. “Thank You” ↓ 13
This ballad is in such a strange place on Led Zeppelin II, sandwiched in between the blues of “The Lemon Song” and “Heartbreaker.” The album would have been much better had this flop been left off the track listing.
70. “Ozone Baby” ↑ 10
I actually enjoy this song more than Spin does. Plant nearly kills it with his icky “ooo”s, but the rest of the band keeps it together enough to keep the song out of the bottom 20.
69. “In the Evening” ↓ 30
What was Plant doing on In Through the Out Door that made him sound like he was holding his nose while singing? Not the low point of the album, for sure, but not great either.
68. “Bron-Yr-Aur” ↓ 22
Insubstantial acoustic picking, but fairly pleasant.
67. “In the Light” ↓ 37
Spin appreciates this song a lot more than I do. I find it annoyingly effects-driven and rather aimless.
66. “Night Flight” ↑ 2
Good verses, awful chorus. For shame.
65. “I’m Gonna Crawl” ↓ 9
A great intro that goes nowhere. An anti-climactic finale to a thoroughly painful album.
64. “Down By the Seaside” ↓ 11
Not offensive, but not memorable either.
63. “Nobody’s Fault But Mine” ↓ 30
Robert Plant should have retired after the release of Physical Graffiti. There is no reason to have his incessant off-key wailing ruining fine instrumentation.
62. “Black Country Woman” ↑ 16
A fairly solid penultimate track on the poor back half of Physical Grafitti, I’ll treat this song as the border between the bottom and middle thirds of the catalog.
THE GOOD
61. “Jennings Farm Blues” (Not Listed)
An instrumental Frankenstein made of parts of other songs on LZIII, this recent bonus track is a good entry into the middle third.
60. “Bathroom Sound” (Not Listed)
Essentially “Out on the Tiles” minus Plant’s bad vocals. Removing the words moves the song up 15 spots!
59. “Darlene” ↑ 26
I like this song much more than Spin. For once, Plant’s nonsensical wailing actually fits the instrumentation! I love the riff from Page as well.
58. “Travelling Riverside Blues” ↓ 20
An unnecessary cover of the Robert Johnson classic, but still a solid performance.
57. “The Girl I Love She Got Long Black Wavy Hair” ↑ 18
This is a mediocre jam, but it’s not offensive and it’s a useful vessel for Page soloing.
56. “I Can’t Quit You Baby” ↓ 16
Droning blues. Could be better, could be worse.
55. “For Your Life” ↑ 22
Page and Bonham save this song from falling into the trap that holds the rest of Presence. There is nothing particularly fancy or memorable in this song; it is unobtrusive and bland at worst.
54. “Bonzo’s Montreux” ↑ 16
A legendary Bonham performance, but a drum solo was never going to crack my top 50.
53. “The Rain Song” ↓ 44
9th? Seriously? I’m pretty sure they were actually joking.
52. “The Crunge” ↓ 3
Funky slash chords, rambling bass line. Saccharine.
51. “That’s the Way” ↓ 38
I used this song in assignment for English class in the 8th grade. Deep lyrics are not something Zeppelin usually excelled at, but there is an exception to most rules. The instrumentation is fairly boring, which prevents the song from entering the top 50.
50. “Hats Off to (Roy) Harper” ↑ 17
One of the few instances of fading effects paying off, Plant sounds demonic on this track.
49. “Fool in the Rain” ↓ 44
My dad (who was 19 when ITTOD came out) HATED this song. Whenever it came on the radio, he’d change the channel. I would guffaw, as I enjoyed it a good deal as a child. I’ve come around a bit on his opinion, but I still love the chord progression and the outro solo.
48. “Communication Breakdown” ↓ 20
Noise, pure and simple. This song won’t change your life, or even your mood. A solid energetic rocker.
47. “When the Levee Breaks” ↓ 41
Spin writers are on crack if they think this is the 6th best Led Zeppelin song- it has no business being 7 minutes long and it’s noticeably repetitive. Still sounds cool as hell, though.
46. “Rock and Roll” ↓ 14
Overrated song with an aptly descriptive title.
45. “Tangerine” ↑ 3
Mystical verses. Disappointing chorus. Still strange enough to make the upper 50%.
44. “Celebration Day” ↓ 3
The intro lick sounds like a man pulling his hair out during a frustrating day. The song is a pleasant sort of hectic, something Zeppelin was great at if the opportunity presented itself.
43. “La La” ↑ 31
Far out, man. Totes psychedelic.
42. “You Shook Me” ↑ 34
A great cover song, but too slow for its own good.
41. “Ten Years Gone” ↓ 34
There’s truly not much I can say about this song. It can’t make the top 40, but’s it’s good enough to not fall much lower.
40. “The Lemon Song” ↓ 3
This song was a lot better when it was called “Killing Floor” and being performed by the legendary Howlin’ Wolf, and at its best when it was covered by Jimi Hendrix during the BBC Sessions. Zeppelin’s version is a solid showing, but doesn’t hold a candle to the others’.
39. “Good Times Bad Times” ↓ 20
The world’s introduction to Led Zeppelin- the first song on the first album. A good primer, but not an all-time classic.
38. “Immigrant Song” ↓ 28
When you’re 6 years old and hear this song for the first time, you feel like you’ve been possessed by the spirit of the devil. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
37. “Boogie with Stu” ↑ 36
This song is thoroughly better than Spin gives it credit for being. It’s a great callback to 50’s boogie and a welcome relief to the disappointing back half of Physical Graffiti.
36. “Black Dog” ↓ 25
I’ve heard this song probably 1,000 times, and it plays on the radio every 15 minutes. Not Zeppelin’s best work, but a great simple rocker nonetheless.
THE GREAT
35. “Black Mountain Side” ↑ 12
A great song made better when combined with “White Summer” as stated below.
34. “D’Yer Mak’er” ↑ 2
A song with few equivalents (“Jamaica Jerk-Off” by Elton John comes to mind), this piece is somewhat of a novelty. Classic, but not top-third caliber.
33. “Trampled Under Foot” ↑ 9
Funky, man, funky.
32. “Hot Dog” ↑ 51
I can’t understand why everyone hates this song. It’s such a great romp- a little bit country, a little bit rock and roll, a lotta bit awesome.
31. “Heartbreaker” ↓ 28
A simple riff used as an excuse for a masturbatory Page solo, the song is too iconic and important to the development of rock music to fall into the middle third of the catalog, but not good enough to make the top third. I’ll place it in the space in between.
30. “Misty Mountain Hop” ↓ 22
How this cracked Spin’s top 10 is beyond me. Don’t get me wrong, this is a great song, but not THAT great.
29. “No Quarter” ↓ 7
Acid trip music if I’ve ever heard it.
28. “The Rover” ↑3
A good riff and a great bridge between songs, “The Rover” is a fan favorite for good reason.
27. “Whole Lotta Love” ↓ 15
An iconic track due to the sex breakdown, this song is bookended by a fairly simple riff. Plant, however, is on top of his game attacking with great electricity in his voice. Still, overrated.
26. “Friends” ↑ 31
Spin disrespected this song by placing it 57th. The guitar work isn’t particularly amazing, but the feel of the tune is so haunting. The strings in the background make my hair stand up.
25. “Bron-Yr-Aur Stomp” ↑ 10
“Stomp” is a great word to describe this song. “As I walk down a country lane, you’ll hear me singing a song and calling your name.” The instrumentation perfectly suits an on-foot journey.
24. “Custard Pie” ↑ 38
62nd? Are you f*cking kidding me?! This is Zeppelin’s best sexual euphemism and everything gels perfectly. The riff never lets up and Plant’s strained moaning of “I just want a piece of your custard pie” sounds surprisingly authentic. A perfect album-opener.
23. “The Song Remains the Same” ↓ 3
I love this song, and it’s a great album opener, but it’s longer than it needs to be.
22. “Gallows Pole” ↑ 41
Another classic blues standard, Zeppelin converted Leadbelly’s famous recording into a mandolin-and-banjo-driven romp that never lets up.
21. “Dancing Days” ↑ 40
One of the first riffs I think of when considering Led Zeppelin, “Dancing Days” is an absolute classic. Spin dropped the ball substantially by placing this song outside of the top 60.
20. “White Summer/Black Mountain Side” (Not Listed)
A better, longer packaging of the great acoustic gem “Black Mountain Side.”
19. “Stairway to Heaven” ↓ 15
Another fairly overrated radio staple. Epic? Certainly. As enjoyable as the next 18 songs? Hardly.
18. “Hey Hey What Can I Do?” ↑ 27
“I said I got a little woman and she won’t be true!” Plant screams in a violent interjection of an otherwise soft and ethereal classic.
THE TRANSCENDENT
17. “Going to California” ↑ 12
“Someone told me there’s a girl out there with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair.” A remarkably beautiful love ballad. Page’s mandolin adds a pretty touch.
16. “Houses of the Holy” ↑ 7
“Let me take you to the movies. Can I take you to the show? Can I be yours ever truly? Can I make your garden grow?” Biblical imagery has never been so sexy.
15. “Moby Dick” ↑ 28
How did Spin rank this song so low? I know the riff is a simple scale, but this piece of music is one of the most easily identifiable as a Zeppelin opus- an auditory behemoth of an instrumental.
14. “The Battle of Evermore” ↑ 38
How did this not crack Spin’s top 50? Maybe I am biased as a mandolinist, but this song sounds like being transported back to the 14th century.
13. “The Ocean” ↑ 1
Another of the first few Zeppelin riffs that come to mind immediately, “The Ocean” is a showcase of the talents of every band member, and a fantastic close to Houses of the Holy.
12. “Four Sticks” ↑ 22
This song is so crunchy and gritty. Plant’s straining sounds amazing; the riff sounds evil.
11. “Bring it on Home” ↑ 44
Another unforgettable Spin ranking. Very arguably the best closer in the history of rock music. Is there a more iconic moment in Zeppelin’s entire catalog than when the harmonica bleeds out in “Bring it on Home” and Page turns his amp up to 11? I think not.
10. “How Many More Times” ↑ 55
Spin’s ranking of this classic at 65th is an unforgivable travesty. John Paul Jones’ rolling bass line is one of the most iconic in all of rock music. Spin’s argument that the song is too long doesn’t hold any water, as it never becomes boring at any point in the eight-and-a-half minutes that it pulses.
9. “Since I’ve Been Loving You” ↑ 12
Page honestly sounds like his fellow Yardbirds band member Jeff Beck on this song. Plant’s strained delivery at the end of the song is so desperately sad, it’s nearly impossible to not adore this piece.
8. “In My Time of Dying” ↑ 17
This song is an amazing piece of art, and how it just barely cracked Spin’s top 25 is beyond me. Zeppelin always had a solid bet with covering old blues standards, and this is not different. The slide guitar is simple but whimsical. Plant actually sounds good for a change.
7. “Over the Hills and Far Away” ↓ 6
This song has no business being ranked #1 on Spin’s list, but it is a truly classic song, and when the electricity kicks in, you feel the jolt hard.
6. “Dazed and Confused” ↑ 10
John Paul Jones’ bass line creeps the hell out of you. Plant sounds like the devil. Page is a sorcerer of the occult. Kick-ass.
5. “Ramble On” ↑ 13
Fascinating percussion, a wonderful bass line, an economical Page, a kick-ass acoustic-electric transition, and plenty of Lord of the Rings references. Classic Zeppelin.
4. “What Is and What Should Never Be” ↑ 11
Everything I love about Zeppelin is contained in this song: interesting licks from Page, thunderous drums from Bonham, well-executed effects, a strong Plant vocal performance, and a massive monkey wrench structure change that kicks you square in the jaw.
3. “Babe I’m Gonna Leave You” ↑ 21
When the electricity kicked in on this song in October 1968, it changed rock music forever for the better. How Spin only ranked it 24th is a serious mystery to me.
2. “Kashmir” ↔
The only ranking that Spin and I agree on. “Kashmir” is titanic. I’ve encountered nothing quite like it in all my years of music consumption. I hated this song when I was a child, but I began to appreciate it as soon as I got to college. Go figure.
1. “Achilles Last Stand” ↑ 16
Zeppelin’s greatest song was a no-brainer for me. Plant and Bonham are downright menacing on this track, with Page’s guitar sounding like a fighter jet zooming through the air on a mission from God himself.
Before the Deluge 