A Better Ranking of Led Zeppelin Songs

Last week, Spin magazine published a list of the rankings of every Led Zeppelin song. Their list was disgusting trash, so here is what I deem to be a much better list. The difference between my rankings and Spin’s are placed next to the song titles.

 

THE TERRIBLE

 

92. “LA Drone” ↓ 5

Not so much a song as a brief introduction to How the West Was Won, this is just a 14 second piece of aptly-named droning noise. This wins the worst song title by default.

91. “Carouselambra” ↓ 65

The worst real song Zeppelin ever released. As you can see, Spin thought this was good enough to make the top 1/3 of the catalog, which I find thoroughly offensive. The synth riff at the beginning is intrusive and lazy, and Plant’s vocals sound even more distant than usual. A meandering, 10+ minute exercise in manual masturbation, I never care to hear this song again.

90. “Candy Store Rock” ↓ 4

Presence is an atrocious album. The members of Zeppelin were so high and so far up their own asses and nowhere is this more audible than in “Candy Store Rock.” How many times did Robert Plant say the word “baby” in the Zeppelin catalog? I’m willing to bet 500, many of them in this song alone.

89. “All My Love” ↓ 30

Okay, the synth strings sound pretty cool, but even half the band hated this song. Plant’s tone during the chorus sounds about as pleasant as pained cat. For some reason, classic rock radio seems intent on making this song a fixture of the catalog. I can’t possibly understand why.

88. “Living Loving Maid (She’s Just a Woman)” ↓ 38

The lowest point of the Golden Era of Zeppelin, this annoying mimicry of The Byrds is (pun intended) for the birds.

87. “Royal Orleans” ↓ 5

A great intro riff that is incredibly wasted by Plant’s muttering nonsense lyrics and a verse structure that tries to be jazzy.

 

THE BAD

 

86. “Walter’s Walk” ↓ 14

The intro lick promises Hendrix’s energy, but a rare poor performance from Bonham and Plant’s typical faded lyrics keep the potential from turning kinetic.

85. “Tea for One” ↓ 4

Awkward tempo change + Terrible vocals + Pretentious masturbatory guitar solo = 10 minutes of aural pain.

84. “South Bound Saurez” ↓ 5

As far as I’m concerned, this is just 4 minutes of Robert Plant muttering “baby” over faux-dance hall piano.

83. “Baby Come on Home” ↓ 17

Ew. I refuse to believe that the Hammer of the Gods recorded this pseudo-church hymn. I banish this from my playlists for all time.

82. “Key to the Highway/Trouble in Mind” (Not Listed)

Plant’s vocals sound intentionally off on this track, and I don’t appreciate it.

81. “Hots On For Nowhere” ↓ 10

Essentially a joke of an attempt at songwriting. Late Zeppelin was characterized by too much reliance on effects, onomatopoeia and rolling beats.

80. “Sick Again” ↓ 16

The worst song on Physical Graffiti, a junk closer unbefitting of the rest of the album.

79. “Wearing and Tearing” ↓ 28

This song sounds like what I imagine a bad coke binge to feel like.

78. “C’mon Everybody” (Not Listed)

Straight-forward concert intro rocker.

77. “The Wanton Song” ↓ 50

Foreshadowing the remainder of Zeppelin’s career, this song could have been placed on Presence or ITTOD without anyone noticing.

76. “Poor Tom” ↓ 16

Interesting drums from Bonham, but there is a reason the band never performed this song live: it’s boring.

75. “Out on the Tiles” ↓ 21

This song is so harsh. The chorus is poorly constructed, and Plant’s vocals don’t fit the otherwise acceptable instrumentation (per usual).

74. “Somethin’ Else” ↑ 10

Meh. A candy dancing tune. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

THE OKAY

 

73. “We’re Gonna Groove” ↓ 4

A straight-forward rock song, and a pretty bad one at that.

72. “Your Time Is Gonna Come” ↓ 28

The worst song on the debut album, this piece seems fairly pointless. Probably explains why it’s buried in the middle of the album.

71. “Thank You” ↓ 13

This ballad is in such a strange place on Led Zeppelin II, sandwiched in between the blues of “The Lemon Song” and “Heartbreaker.” The album would have been much better had this flop been left off the track listing.

70. “Ozone Baby” ↑ 10

I actually enjoy this song more than Spin does. Plant nearly kills it with his icky “ooo”s, but the rest of the band keeps it together enough to keep the song out of the bottom 20.

69. “In the Evening” ↓ 30

What was Plant doing on In Through the Out Door that made him sound like he was holding his nose while singing? Not the low point of the album, for sure, but not great either.

68. “Bron-Yr-Aur” ↓ 22

Insubstantial acoustic picking, but fairly pleasant.

67. “In the Light” ↓ 37

Spin appreciates this song a lot more than I do. I find it annoyingly effects-driven and rather aimless.

66. “Night Flight” ↑ 2

Good verses, awful chorus. For shame.

65. “I’m Gonna Crawl” ↓ 9

A great intro that goes nowhere. An anti-climactic finale to a thoroughly painful album.

64. “Down By the Seaside” ↓ 11

Not offensive, but not memorable either.

63. “Nobody’s Fault But Mine” ↓ 30

Robert Plant should have retired after the release of Physical Graffiti. There is no reason to have his incessant off-key wailing ruining fine instrumentation.

62. “Black Country Woman” ↑ 16

A fairly solid penultimate track on the poor back half of Physical Grafitti, I’ll treat this song as the border between the bottom and middle thirds of the catalog.

 

THE GOOD

 

61. “Jennings Farm Blues” (Not Listed)

An instrumental Frankenstein made of parts of other songs on LZIII, this recent bonus track is a good entry into the middle third.

60. “Bathroom Sound” (Not Listed)

Essentially “Out on the Tiles” minus Plant’s bad vocals. Removing the words moves the song up 15 spots!

59. “Darlene” ↑ 26

I like this song much more than Spin. For once, Plant’s nonsensical wailing actually fits the instrumentation! I love the riff from Page as well.

58. “Travelling Riverside Blues” ↓ 20

An unnecessary cover of the Robert Johnson classic, but still a solid performance.

57. “The Girl I Love She Got Long Black Wavy Hair” ↑ 18

This is a mediocre jam, but it’s not offensive and it’s a useful vessel for Page soloing.

56. “I Can’t Quit You Baby” ↓ 16

Droning blues. Could be better, could be worse.

55. “For Your Life” ↑ 22

Page and Bonham save this song from falling into the trap that holds the rest of Presence. There is nothing particularly fancy or memorable in this song; it is unobtrusive and bland at worst.

54. “Bonzo’s Montreux” ↑ 16

A legendary Bonham performance, but a drum solo was never going to crack my top 50.

53. “The Rain Song” ↓ 44

9^th? Seriously? I’m pretty sure they were actually joking.

52. “The Crunge” ↓ 3

Funky slash chords, rambling bass line. Saccharine.

51. “That’s the Way” ↓ 38

I used this song in assignment for English class in the 8^th grade. Deep lyrics are not something Zeppelin usually excelled at, but there is an exception to most rules. The instrumentation is fairly boring, which prevents the song from entering the top 50.

50. “Hats Off to (Roy) Harper” ↑ 17

One of the few instances of fading effects paying off, Plant sounds demonic on this track.

49. “Fool in the Rain” ↓ 44

My dad (who was 19 when ITTOD came out) HATED this song. Whenever it came on the radio, he’d change the channel. I would guffaw, as I enjoyed it a good deal as a child. I’ve come around a bit on his opinion, but I still love the chord progression and the outro solo.

48. “Communication Breakdown” ↓ 20

Noise, pure and simple. This song won’t change your life, or even your mood. A solid energetic rocker.

47. “When the Levee Breaks” ↓ 41

Spin writers are on crack if they think this is the 6^th best Led Zeppelin song- it has no business being 7 minutes long and it’s noticeably repetitive. Still sounds cool as hell, though.

46. “Rock and Roll” ↓ 14

Overrated song with an aptly descriptive title.

45. “Tangerine” ↑ 3

Mystical verses. Disappointing chorus. Still strange enough to make the upper 50%.

44. “Celebration Day” ↓ 3

The intro lick sounds like a man pulling his hair out during a frustrating day. The song is a pleasant sort of hectic, something Zeppelin was great at if the opportunity presented itself.

43. “La La” ↑ 31

Far out, man. Totes psychedelic.

42. “You Shook Me” ↑ 34

A great cover song, but too slow for its own good.

41. “Ten Years Gone” ↓ 34

There’s truly not much I can say about this song. It can’t make the top 40, but’s it’s good enough to not fall much lower.

40. “The Lemon Song” ↓ 3

This song was a lot better when it was called “Killing Floor” and being performed by the legendary Howlin’ Wolf, and at its best when it was covered by Jimi Hendrix during the BBC Sessions. Zeppelin’s version is a solid showing, but doesn’t hold a candle to the others’.

39. “Good Times Bad Times” ↓ 20

The world’s introduction to Led Zeppelin- the first song on the first album. A good primer, but not an all-time classic.

38. “Immigrant Song” ↓ 28

When you’re 6 years old and hear this song for the first time, you feel like you’ve been possessed by the spirit of the devil. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

37. “Boogie with Stu” ↑ 36

This song is thoroughly better than Spin gives it credit for being. It’s a great callback to 50’s boogie and a welcome relief to the disappointing back half of Physical Graffiti.

36. “Black Dog” ↓ 25

I’ve heard this song probably 1,000 times, and it plays on the radio every 15 minutes. Not Zeppelin’s best work, but a great simple rocker nonetheless.

 

THE GREAT

 

35. “Black Mountain Side” ↑ 12

A great song made better when combined with “White Summer” as stated below.

34. “D’Yer Mak’er” ↑ 2

A song with few equivalents (“Jamaica Jerk-Off” by Elton John comes to mind), this piece is somewhat of a novelty. Classic, but not top-third caliber.

33. “Trampled Under Foot” ↑ 9

Funky, man, funky.

32. “Hot Dog” ↑ 51

I can’t understand why everyone hates this song. It’s such a great romp- a little bit country, a little bit rock and roll, a lotta bit awesome.

31. “Heartbreaker” ↓ 28

A simple riff used as an excuse for a masturbatory Page solo, the song is too iconic and important to the development of rock music to fall into the middle third of the catalog, but not good enough to make the top third. I’ll place it in the space in between.

30. “Misty Mountain Hop” ↓ 22

How this cracked Spin’s top 10 is beyond me. Don’t get me wrong, this is a great song, but not THAT great.

29. “No Quarter” ↓ 7

Acid trip music if I’ve ever heard it.

28. “The Rover” ↑3

A good riff and a great bridge between songs, “The Rover” is a fan favorite for good reason.

27. “Whole Lotta Love” ↓ 15

An iconic track due to the sex breakdown, this song is bookended by a fairly simple riff. Plant, however, is on top of his game attacking with great electricity in his voice. Still, overrated.

26. “Friends” ↑ 31

Spin disrespected this song by placing it 57^th. The guitar work isn’t particularly amazing, but the feel of the tune is so haunting. The strings in the background make my hair stand up.

25. “Bron-Yr-Aur Stomp” ↑ 10

“Stomp” is a great word to describe this song. “As I walk down a country lane, you’ll hear me singing a song and calling your name.” The instrumentation perfectly suits an on-foot journey.

24. “Custard Pie” ↑ 38

62^nd? Are you f*cking kidding me?! This is Zeppelin’s best sexual euphemism and everything gels perfectly. The riff never lets up and Plant’s strained moaning of “I just want a piece of your custard pie” sounds surprisingly authentic. A perfect album-opener.

23. “The Song Remains the Same” ↓ 3

I love this song, and it’s a great album opener, but it’s longer than it needs to be.

22. “Gallows Pole” ↑ 41

Another classic blues standard, Zeppelin converted Leadbelly’s famous recording into a mandolin-and-banjo-driven romp that never lets up.

21. “Dancing Days” ↑ 40

One of the first riffs I think of when considering Led Zeppelin, “Dancing Days” is an absolute classic. Spin dropped the ball substantially by placing this song outside of the top 60.

20. “White Summer/Black Mountain Side” (Not Listed)

A better, longer packaging of the great acoustic gem “Black Mountain Side.”

19. “Stairway to Heaven” ↓ 15

Another fairly overrated radio staple. Epic? Certainly. As enjoyable as the next 18 songs? Hardly.

18. “Hey Hey What Can I Do?” ↑ 27

“I said I got a little woman and she won’t be true!” Plant screams in a violent interjection of an otherwise soft and ethereal classic.

 

THE TRANSCENDENT 

 

17. “Going to California” ↑ 12

“Someone told me there’s a girl out there with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair.” A remarkably beautiful love ballad. Page’s mandolin adds a pretty touch.

16. “Houses of the Holy” ↑ 7

“Let me take you to the movies. Can I take you to the show? Can I be yours ever truly? Can I make your garden grow?” Biblical imagery has never been so sexy.

15. “Moby Dick” ↑ 28

How did Spin rank this song so low? I know the riff is a simple scale, but this piece of music is one of the most easily identifiable as a Zeppelin opus- an auditory behemoth of an instrumental.

14. “The Battle of Evermore” ↑ 38

How did this not crack Spin’s top 50? Maybe I am biased as a mandolinist, but this song sounds like being transported back to the 14^th century.

13. “The Ocean” ↑ 1

Another of the first few Zeppelin riffs that come to mind immediately, “The Ocean” is a showcase of the talents of every band member, and a fantastic close to Houses of the Holy.

12. “Four Sticks” ↑ 22

This song is so crunchy and gritty. Plant’s straining sounds amazing; the riff sounds evil.

11. “Bring it on Home” ↑ 44

Another unforgettable Spin ranking. Very arguably the best closer in the history of rock music. Is there a more iconic moment in Zeppelin’s entire catalog than when the harmonica bleeds out in “Bring it on Home” and Page turns his amp up to 11? I think not.

10. “How Many More Times” ↑ 55

Spin’s ranking of this classic at 65^th is an unforgivable travesty. John Paul Jones’ rolling bass line is one of the most iconic in all of rock music. Spin’s argument that the song is too long doesn’t hold any water, as it never becomes boring at any point in the eight-and-a-half minutes that it pulses.

9.  “Since I’ve Been Loving You” ↑ 12

Page honestly sounds like his fellow Yardbirds band member Jeff Beck on this song. Plant’s strained delivery at the end of the song is so desperately sad, it’s nearly impossible to not adore this piece.

8.  “In My Time of Dying” ↑ 17

This song is an amazing piece of art, and how it just barely cracked Spin’s top 25 is beyond me. Zeppelin always had a solid bet with covering old blues standards, and this is not different. The slide guitar is simple but whimsical. Plant actually sounds good for a change.

7.  “Over the Hills and Far Away” ↓ 6

This song has no business being ranked #1 on Spin’s list, but it is a truly classic song, and when the electricity kicks in, you feel the jolt hard.

6.  “Dazed and Confused” ↑ 10

John Paul Jones’ bass line creeps the hell out of you. Plant sounds like the devil. Page is a sorcerer of the occult. Kick-ass.

5.  “Ramble On” ↑ 13

Fascinating percussion, a wonderful bass line, an economical Page, a kick-ass acoustic-electric transition, and plenty of Lord of the Rings references. Classic Zeppelin.

4.  “What Is and What Should Never Be” ↑ 11

Everything I love about Zeppelin is contained in this song: interesting licks from Page, thunderous drums from Bonham, well-executed effects, a strong Plant vocal performance, and a massive monkey wrench structure change that kicks you square in the jaw.

3.  “Babe I’m Gonna Leave You” ↑ 21

When the electricity kicked in on this song in October 1968, it changed rock music forever for the better. How Spin only ranked it 24^th is a serious mystery to me.

2.  “Kashmir” ↔

The only ranking that Spin and I agree on. “Kashmir” is titanic. I’ve encountered nothing quite like it in all my years of music consumption. I hated this song when I was a child, but I began to appreciate it as soon as I got to college. Go figure.

1.  “Achilles Last Stand” ↑ 16

Zeppelin’s greatest song was a no-brainer for me. Plant and Bonham are downright menacing on this track, with Page’s guitar sounding like a fighter jet zooming through the air on a mission from God himself.

 

 

The Best Albums of My Lifetime

The premise of this post is to identify the greatest albums of my lifetime. I allow myself one slot for every year of my existence. At the start of this exercise, I am 21 years old and thus there are 21 original spots. The intent is to expand this list by 1 spot every subsequent year of my life. New slots may be filled by albums released at any point during my life and are not limited to releases from the new year.

(Disclaimer: I have not listened to much modern metal, jazz or classical music, nor much music outside of the Western lexicon. This list is subject to change at any time.)

(Additional disclaimer: Tool’s masterful debut album Undertow was released in 1993, but 2 days prior to my birth. Had it been released on my birthday, the album would rank 12th on the original list.)

Without further ado:

21. Skeptic Goodbye  – You Won’t (2012)

I’m allowed one unknown hipster album, right? This album is a weird masterpiece. “Who Knew” is one of the 100 best songs of the new millennium and bizarre instruments appear throughout the track listing. The mixture of pure rock and roll with alternative sentiments and ballads makes this album essential to modern music. If you haven’t yet listened, I implore you to do so at your earliest convenience.

20. OK Computer – Radiohead (1997)

BEFORE YOU START WRITING ANGRY COMMENTS: I think OK Computer is overrated, but it is still a landmark album with several unbelievable tracks (the middle stretch from “Karma Police” to “No Surprises” in particular). I actually like Hail to the Thief a bit better, but I give OK Computer a spot on the list out of respect.

19. Stankonia – OutKast (2000)

“Well doesn’t everybody love the smell of gasoline? Well burn, motherfucker, burn American dreams.” Does any more need to be said when this is the effective opening line of an album? Andre 3000 kills every bar on this album. “Ms. Jackson” is a meaningful classic.

18. Weezer – Weezer (1994)

Best debut album territory. This work is without flaw: simple, impactful, fun. Weezer never quite regained their steam after this album (Pinkerton came close) and now they are essentially a parody of themselves. For shame.

17. White Blood Cells – The White Stripes (2001)

Everyone will clamor for Elephant, but this piece has the better album tracks. “Offend in Every Way” and “I Think I Smell A Rat” are top-notch. “Hotel Yorba” and “We’re Going to Be Friends” have become modern acoustic standards. “Fell In Love With A Girl” still kicks you in the ass just as hard as the first time you played this record. Jack White at the peak of his game.

16. Ready to Die – Notorious B.I.G. (1994)

This album begins with “Things Done Changed.” How prophetic. Bigge’s debut turned hip-hop on its head. “This album is dedicated to all the teachers who told me I’d never amount to nuttin’.” The quote really says it all.

15. Vampire Weekend – Vampire Weekend (2008)

Hate if you must, but know that you are wrong. Vampire Weekend is not only a brisk 34 minutes of aural perfection, but the album revolutionized alternative rock. Rostam Batmanglij finally brought sheer musicality back to pop audiences at a time when radio was becoming increasingly myopic. The album makes me feel like Peter Pan flying over the streets of London in the middle of the night.

14. Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) – Wu-Tang Clan (1993)

Bring the ruckus! East Coast hip hop has always and forever will be better than West Coast hip hop, due to the well known, but often futilely contested maxim that New York is awesome and Los Angeles isn’t. Wu-Tang helped to establish the feel of East Coast hip hop and made the biggest revolution in the genre since It Takes A Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back.

13. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy – Kanye West (2010)

Look, I don’t care to ever hear “MONSTER” again, but this album is just shy of perfect. Only Kanye would ask Elton John (an all-time favorite musician of mine) to play a relatively simple piano part on a 1 minute interlude. Such is the genius of Mr. West, Mr. West. “Gorgeous” may be my favorite Yeezy song and Rick Ross absolutely murders his feature on “Devil In A New Dress.”

12. Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain – Pavement (1994)

It is well-established in alt-rock circles that Stephen Malkmus is an ornery, minimalist genius. Pavement was always Velvets-lite, but they were no less enjoyable. Lyrical imagery groaned over simple-yet-stunning guitar lines, Malkmus & co. make the most of their and my time. Aside from the classics “Cut Your Hair” and “Gold Soundz,” “Range Life” and particularly “Unfair” strike emotional chords with me.

11. If You’re Feeling Sinister – Belle & Sebastian (1996)

Dare I say it?… The most underrated band of the last 20 years. If You’re Feeling Sinister has no low point. “Seeing Other People” is unlike any song I’ve ever heard. “Me and the Major” is blissfully hectic. The lyrics of the title track cut to the bone. “Get Me Away from Here, I’m Dying” is as self-flagellating as the name suggests. For my favorite Glaswegians, I offer my favorite logical fallacy: no true Scotsman dislikes this album.

10. good kid, m.A.A.d. city – Kendrick Lamar (2012)

The greatest Grammy travesty since Jethro Tull in ’89 was Macklemore & Ryan Lewis beating out this instant classic with The Heist, a bubble gum faux-rap album with a few great pop tracks, but nothing truly impressive. good kid, M.A.A.d. city will go down in history as a seminal gritty hip hop album, the Straight Outta Compton to softy Drake’s Raising Hell. Kendrick could be brought up on human rights violations for the way he assassinated the beat on “Backseat Freestyle.” With this album, K-Dot took over Nas’ place as rap’s greatest storyteller.

9. Funeral – Arcade Fire (2004)

There is no more signature guitar riff this millennium than the guttural opening of “Wake Up.” This album is more a work of art than a statement about anything in particular. Canada’s greatest product since Gordon.

8. Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness – Smashing Pumpkins (1995)

A double album?!? In 1995?!? Sublime (the word, not the stoner ska band). “Zero,” “Bullet With Butterfly Wings,” “1979,” “Tonight, Tonight,” “Thirty-Three.” These 5 radio-friendly songs alone would make a top 10 album, let alone the numerous classic album tracks, ranging in style from noise rock assaults (“Bodies,” “Tales of a Scorched Earth”) to whimsical love songs (“Cupid de Locke,” “Lily (My One and Only)”.) [<— This is a punctuation mess] Mellon Collie seems infinitely textured and infinitely relistenable. I gain a new appreciation with every visit to Billy Corgan’s madness.

7. Yankee Hotel Foxtrot – Wilco (2002)

Oh thank god for alt-country. Jeff Tweedy saved us in the post-9/11 musical climate of Alan Jacksons and Toby Keiths. “Tall buildings shake, voices escape singing sad, sad songs.” The album was recorded prior to the attacks, but it’s nearly impossible to not retroactively identify the themes with the suffering. Simply put, Wilco kicks ass.

6. Illmatic– Nas (1994)

East Coast represent! We’ve reached the Rushmore of all-time hip hop albums. “Halftime,” “Life’s A Bitch,” “One Time 4 Your Mind.” Nas is the gangsta Slick Rick, a masterful storyteller painting New York a loving shade of black with a wide brush. “I don’t sleep cuz sleep is the cousin of death.” How could somebody sleep on the brink of releasing an album this good?

5. Anodyne – Uncle Tupelo (1993)

The last release before Jay Farrar and Jeff Tweedy went all Lennon-McCartney and broke up the band. Uncle Tupelo remains one of the most influential musical acts of all-time and they are at their best in this magnum opus, perhaps the last great true country album. The first 8 tracks on this album are perfect jewels and “No Sense In Lovin'” anchors the back third. I would lament the passing of Uncle Tupelo daily were it not for the glory of Son Volt and Wilco.

4. In the Aeroplane Over the Sea – Neutral Milk Hotel (1998)

If you’ve somehow never heard this album, stop what you’re doing and listen to it 4 times in a row. You’ll either want to strangle Jeff Mangum, or fall madly in love with his beautiful sadness. If you’re the former, you’re simply wrong. If you’re the latter, welcome to the club. We meet on Thursdays. I’ll see you there.

3. channel ORANGE – Frank Ocean (2012)

The best R&B album since Off the Wall. Frank Ocean is more than a crooner, he’s a songwriting genius. Malay’s producing is impeccable. Andre 3-Stacks and Earl Sweatshirt deliver heart-pounding verses. The themes of the album are timeless: sex, unrequited love, drug addiction, young adult apathy. Frank Ocean would be amazing in any time period. Thank goodness he was born into mine.

2. Kid A – Radiohead (2000)

Radiohead’s best album, a symphonic, frightening amalgam of Elvis Costello, Kraftwerk and Free Jazz. “Optimistic” is one of the 10 best songs of the millennium.  A mind-boggling, gorgeous masterpiece.

1. Late Registration – Kanye West (2005)

The Thriller of hip hop, but twice as good. Late Registration ranks with The Beatles, Animals and Give ‘Em Enough Rope: not just the greatest accomplishment of its genre, but an all-time pantheon album. Nobody had heard anything quite like The College Dropout, but Kanye’s debut was only an appetizer for this entree. Yeezy somehow improved Curtis Mayfield’s seemingly perfect “Move On Up,” made me tolerate Lupe Fiasco and got a good verse out of the usually pathetic Paul Wall. If those accomplishments aren’t worthy of the #1 spot on this list, I’m not sure what would be.

 

Near misses/Possible future inductees: Fashion Nugget (Cake), The Rip Tide (Beirut), Downward Spiral (Nine Inch Nails), Dookie (Green Day), Odelay (Beck), Reasonable Doubt (Jay-Z), Doggystyle (Snoop Doggy Dogg), O.C.M.S. (Old Crow Medicine Show), Illinois (Sufjan Stevens), The Way We Move (Langhorne Slim & the Law.)

Alt-Rock Radio Recap: July

The most annoying songs on alt-rock radio:

10. “Habits (Stay High)”- Tove Lo

Wow, so edgy. Much hurt. Very sad. Wow.

9. “A Sky Full of Stars”- Coldplay

This song encompasses basically everything unlikeable about Coldplay: cheese, fakery, cringe-worthy melodies. This band has had more ups and downs than a sine curve and this song flops.

8. “Bad Blood”- Bastille

I love “Pompeii.” I stumbled across that song a few months before it became viral and I’m still not really sick of it. “Bad Blood,” however, sounds sophomoric. Also, how many seconds can he hold the “dryyyyyyyyyyyy” in the chorus? Moving on.

7. “I Wanna Get Better”- The Bleachers

This song would be fairly listenable if it weren’t for the refrain that sounds as if it were mixed in the garage while the neighbors mowed their lawn.

6. “My Sweet Summer”- Dirty Heads

There is essentially one musical line in this song and I find it incredibly grating. I change the channel whenever “My Sweet Summer” comes on.

5. “Lazaretto”- Jack White

Let me preface this: I love the White Stripes. I am not a Jack White hater. Halfway through this song, there is a climactic pause followed by several seconds of dead air- and then the song starts up again from the top, with nothing changed! This bothers me immensely because I can’t tell whether the song is over or if it’s only the middle. Not a good structure for a radio hit.

4. “Stolen Dance”- Milky Chance

What is with this same garbage, zombie, trance drum machine beat that it seems every band is using right now? I’m truly confused; did people forget how to bang on things with sticks? This is the one of the earliest skills necessary for our evolutionary success. Let’s try to have a revival.

3. “Come a Little Closer,” “Take It or Leave It,” “Shake Me Down”- Cage the Elephant

Everything about this band’s music pisses me off. Even when they broke big with “Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked,” I had a carnal urge to reach through my speakers and strangle the singer until he agreed to end my misery. None of these three songs are technically new, but they get enough air time to leave me angry on the drive home from the gym.

2. “Safe and Sound”- Capital Cities

“Here’s my idea for a song: let’s find a Rob Thomas sound-alike and have him sing over music that resembles the demonic offspring of Daft Punk and MGMT. Any takers?”

1. “Radioactive”- Imagine Dragons

This song will probably hold this number one position until the average play count falls below once per 48 hours. I can’t think of a more annoying song by a more annoying band this millennium.

 

Not to be bogged down in negativity, here are ten songs getting heavy play that I thoroughly enjoy:

10. “Out of the Black”- Royal Blood

See music industry! Simple guitar riffs and drum licks can be enough to carry a song!

9. “Come With Me Now”- Kongos

A song I anticipate becoming tired of in the near future, but for now, it’s a fun 3.5 minutes.

8. “Heaven Knows”- The Pretty Reckless

The lead singer’s voice is gritty enough to be captivating, a feat I personally find rare in female rock vocalists.

7. “Fever”- Black Keys

Overplayed, but extremely catchy and raw enough to be listenable.

6. “The Walker”- Fitz and the Tantrums

This song was all over the NBA Playoffs broadcasts and I never tired of it. The saxophone breakdown takes it to another level.

5. “Waves”- Sleeper Agent

The rare example of a song that benefits from overproduction. The beginning of the song sounds like “Strawberry Swing” by Coldplay, so I’m always pleasantly surprised when it turns out to be this song instead. I like this song so much that I listened to the full album. It was disappointing- except for this song.

4. “Trojans”- Atlas Genius

“Trojans” is, ironically, rather infectious. The chorus riff is beyond catchy and the song has a wonderful groove about it.

3. “Take It as It Comes”- J. Roddy Walston and the Business

This band rocks my socks, so to speak. The Business is sort of like Kings of Leon fused with Arctic Monkeys and started playing Tom Petty covers.

2. “Riptide”- Vance Joy

A pop song recorded exclusively with actual tangible instruments. This song is immensely refreshing.

1. “Heavy Bells”- J. Roddy Walston and the Business

This is my favorite pure rock song of the decade so far. It’s been so long since a song came around that kicked my ass. I could play this on repeat all day.

Sectarianism in the Music Community

What is it about devoted sects of music fans that makes them feel entitled to spew hateful, holier-than-thou rhetoric? I’ve recently spent a few days perusing music fan forums in the hopes of gaining new perspectives on works of art that I love. This plan, unsurprisingly, backfired tremendously.

I’ve never understood why music fans, more than consumers of any other art form, divide themselves up into supposedly neat and tidy divisions, from which they tend not to stray. It would seem highly improbable to come across a movie lover that only enjoyed 1980’s teenage slasher films and condemned the remainder of the cannon as “soulless indie propaganda.” Somehow, music fans operate in a climate that encourages metal heads to hate shoegazers, punks to hate hipsters and classic rockers to hate dancers- and it’s always been this way. No stereotypical reminiscence is complete without a discussion of musical divisions. “Real rockers” of the 1970’s felt inclined to detest fans of talented bands like Styx and Boston. Disciples of The Clash thought The Beatles were vapid and soft-core.

Perhaps this occurs because music fans wear their tastes on their sleeves (in the case of jacket patches, sometimes literally). Perhaps it is because music is digested privately and celebrated communally; people enjoy grouping themselves together in cliques and lording over those they feel are beneath them. The truth is, I don’t know why this phenomenon exists, but I find the whole ordeal rather tiresome and pointless. Exclusively following one genre of music does not earn you any brownie points for authenticity; it makes you myopic, for better or worse.

Walling ourselves off into xenophobic music communities causes us to lose track of what actually matters when it comes to music: does it sound good? We’ve grown up with this notion that your taste in music says something about your personal character: goths are depressives, metal heads are angry, pop fans are insipid. In music circles, enjoying both Jack Johnson and the Dead Kennedys is considered a cardinal sin tantamount to blasphemy. Why is it so hard for pretentious music snobs to admit that Hank Williams’ “Your Cheatin’ Heart” and Radiohead’s “A Punch Up at a Wedding” and Franz Schubert’s “The Trout” and Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop” are breathtaking works of art? Metallica’s Kill ‘Em All and Joni Mitchell’s Blue are both masterpiece albums for completely different reasons. Life isn’t one-dimensional and neither is music. If Green Day’s Dookie doesn’t sound good to you, that’s a reasonable position that can be defended by expanded personal analysis, but there is no just cause for deeming the album “juvenile and disgraceful” (an actual quote). Personally disliking the sonic quality of a song is one thing, but ridiculing a work of art because of the stylistic endeavors of its fan base or its impact on future works is silly. Take works of art at face value and analyze your personal reactions, but don’t mock others for having a differing opinion.