The Politics of Baseball Fandom

Source: New York Times

What if the USA drew our state lines with America’s pastime in mind? One of my favorite maps, from the New York Times, shows allegiances to baseball teams at the county and zip code level across the United States, based on aggregated Facebook “likes.” I used this map, as well as 2012 Presidential Election results from the NYT, to investigate the cultural politics of baseball.

When determining which team took which county, I tended to use a plurality criterion- whichever team had the highest percentage took the county. Contiguous borders were an important consideration. In order to control for the possibility of incredibly small states, if a number of sparsely populated counties bucked the regional trend, they tended to be lumped in with the dominant nearby team anyway. Some areas of the country show no allegiance to geographically close teams, and defaulted to rooting for powerhouse national teams like the Yankees and Red Sox. When these contiguous areas carried enough population, they were treated as their own states.

[One huge point of contention up-front: I could not find election results at the zip code level, which occasionally caused problems in very populous counties. The most notable example of this is Cook County, Illinois, home of Chicago and its two teams, the Cubs on the Northside and the White Sox on the Southside. According to the NYT map, the slight plurality of Cook County roots for the Cubs, 40% to 38%. The Cubs and White Sox fans have relatively defined borders within the city of Chicago, America’s 3^rd largest metropolis, and with over 5 million residents, assigning Cook County is a major task. Were zip code level statistics available, I would have split the county in half between the teams. Alas, I could not. I decided to override the plurality and assign Cook County to the White Sox. I did this for several reasons. Firstly, the White Sox, though they control a significant area, would not have a populous enough fan base to warrant their own state without some percentage of Cook County. On the contrary, the Cubs are the preferred team of the general Midwest, and thus have more than enough fans to warrant statehood without Cook County. Secondly, the White Sox control more territory within the city of Chicago than the Cubs. The White Sox control the southern and western portions of the city, with the Cubs controlling the northern portion as well as the northern suburbs of the city that happen to fall within Cook County. This distribution poses the issue that Wrigley Field now falls within the boundaries of White Sox territory, an abomination to a baseball fan, but there is one positive to this whole debacle: both of Chicago’s teams are relevant. Excluding the LA Angels, who play in Anaheim, nearly as far from Dodger Stadium as Oriole Park is from Nationals Park, the other urban areas with multiple baseball teams are fully dominated by the bigger dog. The Mets and Athletics control no counties in the United States, including the county their own stadiums are based in, due to the dominance of the Yankees and Giants, respectively. So, I apologize to Chicagoland for this mess, but you can at least take solace in knowing that the Windy City stands alone when it comes to baseball fans.]

Major League Baseball consists of 30 teams, with the Toronto Blue Jays obviously lying outside of the United States. Since the Mets and A’s control no counties, there are 27 states based on baseball teams, as well as 9 states made from leftover areas of the country that did not show allegiances based on geography, for a total of 36. Given that each state needs at least one Representative, and each Representative is supposed to represent a similar number of constituents, the House of Representatives in this scenario would increase to 526 members from our current 435. The Senate would decrease from 100 members to 72 members, reflecting the decrease in the number of states. Finally, since the Nationals would now get their own state, Washington, DC would have proper Congressional representation instead of the 3 delegates to the Electoral College that they have now. In sum, the Electoral College would consist of 598 votes. In this scenario, President Obama still would have won the 2012 election, but by the much smaller margin of 313-285, compared to the actual result of 332-206.

Obviously, this exercise is flawed. Only a certain number of cities have teams, and these allegiances would change drastically if teams were created within the current territory of other clubs. What I do find interesting, however, is which areas are willing to align themselves with regional powers, and which areas instead default to rooting for national teams. These differences may indicate deeper cultural rifts. I may do this exercise with NFL and NBA teams as well, as similar maps exist for those sports, and then cross-reference against this exercise to see where these regional allegiances change.

Let’s examine the 36 redrawn states more closely, starting with the least populous and working our way up.

36. Nebraska

Population: 603,058                Electoral Votes: 3

Obama: 36.71%                      Romney: 61.53%

As currently constructed, the state of Nebraska is torn between allegiances to the Twins to the North, the Rockies to the West, the Royals to the South, and the Cubs to the East. With most of its borders now eaten away by outside teams, and with no club to call their own, the interior of Nebraska is left as America’s smallest state. Unsurprisingly, this new rural state is the 2^nd reddest in the country, with Romney crushing Obama by nearly 25% of the vote. Luckily for Nebraska, the state capital and 2^nd largest city of Lincoln remains within the territory.

Capital Suggestion: Lincoln

35. Alaska

Population: 736,732                Electoral Votes: 3

Obama: 41.27%                      Romney: 55.30%

Alaska maintains its present shape and construction. While the southeastern portion of Alaska maintains allegiance to the regional power of the Seattle Mariners, the bulk of Alaska’s territory is unorganized by county, which makes it difficult to acquire county-level election results, and thus I decided to leave Alaska unaltered.

Capital Suggestion: Juneau

34. Charlotte

Population: 1,231,107             Electoral Votes: 4

Obama: 56.22%                      Romney: 42.89%

In this scenario, Charlotte gets to breakaway from its surrounding environs. Largely due to the city’s status as a banking industry town, the Yankees dominate Mecklenburg and Union Counties in present North Carolina. Entrapped by a circular ring of Braves territory, Charlotte is nonetheless larger than 8 of our current states, and is notably liberal, with Obama besting Romney by double digits.

Capital Suggestion: Charlotte

33. Hawaii

Population: 1,419,561             Electoral Votes: 4

Obama: 70.57%                      Romney: 27.82%

Like Alaska, Hawaii remains as presently constructed, and is the bluest state in this scenario.

Capital Suggestion: Honolulu

32. New Mexico

Population: 2,634,483             Electoral Votes: 6

Obama: 57.64%                      Romney: 38.64%

New Mexico loses Colfax County to the Rockies, and several eastern counties to the Rangers, but picks up 3 counties in western Texas, most notably the populous city of El Paso, while keeping hold of Albuquerque and Santa Fe. In this scenario, New Mexico is a Democratic stronghold.

Capital Suggestion: Santa Fe

31. Marlin

Population: 3,334,622             Electoral Votes: 8

Obama: 63.87%                      Romney: 35.63%

Finally, a state with a baseball team! Consisting of Miami-Dade, Broward and Monroe counties, this state is dominated by the hub of Miami, and is staunchly blue. With 2 international airports, glorious beaches, and a cultural beacon of Latin America, the state of Marlin would undoubtedly be a great place to visit. But, this is the least populous baseball state and the Marlins notoriously suffer from low fan commitment. Not shockingly, the people of Miami have lots of other entertainment options.

Capital Suggestion: Miami

30. Padre

Population: 3,442,522             Electoral Votes: 8

Obama: 51.86%                      Romney: 46.11%

Like Marlin, Padre has 8 electoral votes and great weather. Padre consists of the greatly populated San Diego County as well as the desert county of Imperial, which is nominally Dodger territory, but separated from the rest of that fan base by the Angels-leaning Riverside County. Padre leans blue, and is the site of the important international border with Tijuana in Mexico.

Capital Suggestion: San Diego

29. Louisiana

Population: 3,976,387             Electoral Votes: 9

Obama: 41.55%                      Romney: 56.77%

Consisting of the bulk of current Louisiana and southwestern Arkansas, this version of Louisiana rejects influences from the Cardinals, Rangers, Astros and Braves, reflecting the insular nature of the old French state. Louisiana remains deeply red.

Capital Suggestion: Baton Rouge

28. Royal

Population: 4,396,976             Electoral Votes: 9

Obama: 41.60%                      Romney: 56.34%

Royal stretches into portions of present Nebraska and Iowa, but most of the state consists of northwestern Missouri and the eastern majority of Kansas. While mostly rural and deeply red, Royal contains recognizable urban centers like Kansas City and Wichita.

Capital Suggestion: Topeka

27. Pirate

Population: 4,536,888             Electoral Votes: 10

Obama: 45.04%                      Romney: 53.53%

Based in Pittsburgh, Paris of the Appalachians, Pirate consists of the bulk of western Pennsylvania, northern West Virginia, and portions of Ohio and Maryland. Pittsburgh, the whitest metropolitan region in the country, serves as the beating heart of this solid red state.

Capital Suggestion: Pittsburgh

26. Ray

Population: 4,599,022             Electoral Votes: 10

Obama: 48.48%                      Romney: 50.46%

Ray consists of the Tampa Bay area and its exurbs. The state leans red, but could swing in other elections.

Capital Suggestion: Tampa

25. Great Basin

Population: 4,658,821             Electoral Votes: 10

Obama: 28.80%                      Romney: 68.64%

Great Basin covers a lot of territory in the western United States. Constructed from portions of Utah, Nevada, Oregon, Idaho, Wyoming and Montana, this is the reddest state in the country, and contains a high proportion of Mormon residents. Great Basin is the third most populous state in this scenario made from leftover territory.

Capital Suggestion: Idaho Falls

24. Indian

Population: 4,886,034             Electoral Votes: 10

Obama: 54.75%                      Romney: 43.66%

Note to Cleveland: please change your racist team name. Native peoples aren’t mascots. The state of Indian (until the name change) consists of Northeast Ohio, including Cleveland, Akron, Canton and Youngstown. The state is solidly blue.

Capital Suggestion: Cleveland

23. Oriole

Population: 5,101,028             Electoral Votes: 10

Obama: 49.70%                      Romney: 48.42%

Although present Maryland would remain solidly blue even if it were to lose the staunchly liberal DC suburb counties of Montgomery, Prince George’s and Charles, the addition of conservative portions of Pennsylvania, West Virginia and Virginia make the state of Oriole a tight swing state with a slight blue lean. Were the voter turnout to increase in Baltimore, the slight lean would likely strengthen.

Capital Suggestion: Annapolis

22. National

Population: 5,456,570             Electoral Votes: 11

Obama: 69.21%                      Romney: 29.65%

Ding ding, another dumb team name alert! (In case you couldn’t guess, I’m from Baltimore). The state of National finally provides DC with proper representation, and the DMV (DC-MD-VA for those not in the know) serves as the third most liberal state in this scenario, with Obama destroying Romney.

Capital Suggestion: Washington, DC (obviously)

21. Angel

Population: 5,474,786             Electoral Votes: 11

Obama: 46.23%                      Romney: 51.63%

The state of Angel consists of Orange and Riverside counties in present California. Containing many of the LA area’s conservatives, Angel is fairly solidly red.

Capital Suggestion: Irvine

20. Brewer

Population: 5,514,809             Electoral Votes: 11

Obama: 52.97%                      Romney: 45.93%

Present Wisconsin steals some counties in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, as well as one county in northwestern Iowa, while swapping counties with the Twins along the Minnesota border. With not much changed, Brewer is a fairly blue state.

Capital Suggestion: Madison

19. Rocky

Population: 6,514,504             Electoral Votes: 13

Obama: 47.67%                      Romney: 49.97%

While present Colorado trends blue, the addition of portions of Utah, Nebraska, Montana, Kansas, South Dakota and New Mexico turns Rocky into a red-leaning swing state. At least the liberals of Colorado can comfort themselves with skiing and for-now legal recreational pot.

Capital Suggestion: Denver

18. White Sock

Population: 6,714,710             Electoral Votes: 13

Obama: 69.79%                      Romney: 28.84%

Another team name that sounds stupid as a state. White Sock consists of Chicago (see note at the start about this point) and its southern and western suburbs like Joliet. White Sock is the 2^nd most liberal state in the country in this scenario, unsurprising given that the bulk of the population lives in a major metropolis.

Capital Suggestion: Chicago

17. Diamondback

Population: 6,731,484             Electoral Votes: 13

Obama: 44.12%                      Romney: 54.19%

Arizona remains unchanged. Way to be boring, Arizona.

Capital Suggestion: Phoenix

16. Twin

Population: 7,615,240             Electoral Votes: 15

Obama: 49.91%                      Romney: 48.06%

With portions of Nebraska, Montana, Iowa and Wisconsin, the vast majority of Minnesota and South Dakota, and all of North Dakota, Twin is an expansive swing state with a liberal lean.

Capital Suggestion: Fargo

15. Astro

Population:  7,620,426            Electoral Votes: 15

Obama: 41.57%                      Romney: 57.20%

Consisting of Houston and its surrounding environs, Astro is a Republican stronghold that definitely resents its neighboring state of Ranger.

Capital Suggestion: Houston

14. Florida

Population: 9,028,429             Electoral Votes: 19

Obama: 47.64%                      Romney: 51.50%

Made from the portions of present Florida not stripped away by Ray, Marlin and Brave, Florida in this scenario remains in the upper half of populous states. With settlements like Cape Coral, Orlando, Jacksonville and Gainesville, and most of present Florida’s beaches, this Florida leans red.

Capital Suggestion: Orlando

13. Philly

Population: 10,234,109           Electoral Votes: 19

Obama: 57.33%                      Romney: 41.47%

A name that makes perfect sense! With South Jersey, northern Delaware and southeastern Pennsylvania within its borders, Philly has glorious beaches, great farmland and strong urban centers. Dominated by the staunch liberalism of the heavily populated Philadelphia, Philly is a Democratic stronghold.

Capital Suggestion: Philadelphia (more central than Harrisburg)

12. Tiger

Population: 10,361,576           Electoral Votes: 19

Obama: 54.76%                      Romney: 44.26%

Retaining most of present Michigan and picking up northeastern Indiana and northwestern Ohio, Tiger is safely blue with the addition of Toledo.

Capital Suggestion: Lansing

11. Red

Population: 11,016,845           Electoral Votes: 20

Obama: 42.26%                      Romney: 56.03%

Fitting name. With the bottom half of Ohio, eastern Indiana, western West Virginia and the bulk of Kentucky, Red is highly populous and very Republican. Louisville, Lexington, Cincinnati, Dayton, Columbus, Springfield and Charleston all fall within the state, giving Red an interesting mix of Southern, Appalachian and Midwestern culture.

Capital Suggestion: Cincinnati

10. Virginialina

Population: 11,330,699           Electoral Votes: 21

Obama: 50.28%                      Romney: 48.53%

The largest state made from leftover parts, Virginialina consists of Eastern NC, most of the NC Piedmont, Georgetown and Myrtle Beach in South Carolina, southeastern West Virginia, and the vast majority of Virginia. With much of the conservative Appalachian region ceded to the Braves, the mainly piedmont and coastal state of Virginialina would be a left-leaning swing state. With Winston-Salem, Greensboro, Durham, Raleigh, Fayetteville, Wilmington, Norfolk, Roanoke and Richmond, the state would have numerous urban areas to choose from. The state would also contain the great academic institutions of Wake Forest, Duke, UNC, NC State, Virginia Tech and UVA, making it a research powerhouse.

Capital Suggestion: The current state capitals of Richmond and Raleigh are both located fairly close to borders. Norfolk is too far from the western portions of the state. Not really any great choices. Leave it to a popular vote.

9. Mariner

Population: 11,342,679           Electoral Votes: 21

Obama: 54.88%                      Romney: 42.50%

Largely contemporaneous with the Pacific Northwest region, Mariner includes all of Washington, most of Oregon, and portions of Idaho and Montana. With the stereotypically liberal centers of Seattle and Portland, Mariner is a safely blue state.

Capital Suggestion: Could put it in Spokane for centrality purposes, but it should probably be halfway between Seattle and Portland.

8. Red Sock

Population: 11,424,971           Electoral Votes: 21

Obama: 59.37%                      Romney: 38.83%

The Munson-Nixon line is in full effect. The Red Sox and Yankees battle over Connecticut, and wage minor conflicts to steal territory from each other in Vermont and Upstate New York. This state is contemporaneous with New England, minus Hartford and southwest Connecticut (which is just north New York City anyway). Red Sock, as expected, is staunchly liberal.

Capital Suggestion: Boston

7. Cardinal

Population: 12,576,376           Electoral Votes: 23

Obama: 42.23%                      Romney: 55.86%

As Deadspin frequently points out, Cardinals fans are the worst- the NL version of the Yankees, but with even more self-seriousness about the “sanctity of the game.” This coming from a franchise known for having Mark McGwire. Anyway, it turns out that Arkansas, Oklahoma, Illinois, Missouri, Kentucky, Iowa, Indiana, Kansas, Tennessee, and Mississippi are pretty conservative places, and Cardinal is a Republican stronghold accordingly.

Capital Suggestion: St. Louis

6. Cub

Population: 13,519,577           Electoral Votes: 24

Obama: 48.43%                      Romney: 49.90%

The Cardinals’ arch rival, the Cubs, control more populous territory. However, without Chicago (again, see the beginning for this explanation), Cubs nation is a right-leaning swing state comprised of parts of Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, Ohio, Iowa, and Nebraska.

Capital Suggestion: Davenport

5. Giant

Population: 16,308,081           Electoral Votes: 29

Obama: 61.01%                      Romney: 36.39%

Southern Oregon, Northern California and Western Nevada make up Giant, a largely populated state anchored by San Francisco and the Bay region. Given this area’s notoriety for liberalism, it should come as no surprise that Giant is staunchly Democratic.

Capital Suggestion: Sacramento

4. Dodger

Population: 16,800,215           Electoral Votes: 30

Obama: 61.42%                      Romney: 36.32%

Dodger controls the most populous portions of southern California, and is slightly bigger and more liberal than its northern neighbor, Giant. It might come as a surprise that this LA-centric state is more liberal than San Francisco’s state, but with Giant taking on the conservative Central Valley, and the red regions of western Nevada and southern Oregon, and with Dodger ceding the conservative area of Orange County while picking up the liberal Las Vegas, Dodger comes out the liberal victor.

Capital Suggestion: Los Angeles

3. Ranger

Population: 22,383,906           Electoral Votes: 39

Obama: 39.35%                      Romney: 59.33%

I haven’t run the land area numbers, but Ranger likely has the most expansive territory aside from Alaska. With the vast majority of Texas, most of Oklahoma, and portions of Arkansas, Louisiana, New Mexico, and Kansas, Ranger is the reimagined version of Texas. Despite the efforts of Austin, this state is predictably a Republican stronghold. Note: I gave Yankee-supporting portions of Oklahoma to Ranger for geographical simplicity.

Capital Suggestion: Dallas

2. Yankee

Population: 30,617,019           Electoral Votes: 53

Obama: 61.11%                      Romney: 37.65%

Shocker! America’s most popular and most hated team doesn’t come out on top in this scenario, entirely due to the need for contiguous borders. Nearly all of New York, northern New Jersey, northern Pennsylvania, southwestern Connecticut and one county in Vermont make up the state of Yankee. Despite the conservatism of the rural areas of this state, New York City still dominates the political landscape, and Yankee is staunchly Democratic.

Capital Suggestion: Albany

1. Brave

Population: 32,326,697           Electoral Votes: 56

Obama: 40.81%                      Romney: 57.98%

Note: another racist name. Please change. Atlanta’s team seems to serve as a lightning rod for shared southern identity. The Braves are truly a regional powerhouse, and the state of Brave contains all of Georgia and Alabama, most of Mississippi and South Carolina, large chunks of Tennessee and North Carolina, small parts of Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, and Louisiana, as well as the Florida panhandle. Roughly halfway between the populations of present California and Texas, Brave is strong Republican territory, unsurprising for the Bible Belt.

Capital Suggestion: Atlanta

 

On the White Privilege of Genealogy

Last night while browsing on my phone I came across a notification: Ancestry.com had found a clue about my great-great-great-grandfather Frances. Since the last time I had checked the app, Ancestry had attached Civil War records to members of my family tree.

Clicking on the hint, I was shown a scanned image of a Union draft registry from September-October 1863. Frances was called upon to fight for the United States from Lewis, Kentucky, following in the footsteps of his great-great-grandfather William, a Revolutionary War Colonel, who crossed the Delaware with George Washington. Frances’ son Ezra married a woman named Nancy DeHart, whose uncle Stephen was captured as a prisoner-of-war while fighting for the Confederacy from Patrick, Virginia.

This is just the tip of the metaphorical iceberg that is my knowledge of my own genealogy. I know that my Swiss German ancestors Hans and Maria Burgi came to Philadelphia in 1709 from Biglen, a small village east of Bern. I know that my paternal Scottish ancestor William Crawford came to Norfolk in 1648, at the ripe age of 18, from Ayrshire. I know that my English ancestor John Adkins came to Henrico from Bedfordshire in the mid-17^th century. Those DeHarts I mentioned earlier? Dutch. Simon DeHart came to New York City in 1664 from Nieuwkoop, a town about halfway between The Hague and Amsterdam in the western Netherlands. The house Simon built in Brooklyn was supposedly the oldest structure in New York at the time of its demolition. Through some frankly dubious connections, Ancestry.com tells me I’m descended from Robert the Bruce and the Stuart kings of Scotland. I can trace my DNA back over 1,200 years through over 1,100 family members.

This seems to be an exclusively white privilege.

My partner, whose parents were born in Kerala, the southwesternmost state in India, knows her family history no further back than the 20^th century. Part of the difficulty involves British imperialism (a Jamaican friend fares only slightly better), but local customs pose problems for genealogy tracking as well.

One of the not-so-surprising boons to tracking family histories is the presence of informative gravestones, common in Western Christendom where full-body burials are the norm. Family members tend to be buried nearby to each other in cemeteries, with grave markers containing vital information such as full names, dates of birth and death, and occasional lists of relatives. In contrast, Hindu custom calls for cremation, and for the resulting ashes to be placed into the holy river Ganges, or a suitable fluvial alternative. As such, Indians often don’t have the ability to wander around kirkyards searching for ancestors.

As mentioned above, elements of my family have been in the United States since a few decades after European settlement. Many of my fellow Americans likely share such length of familial residency, but would have no way of knowing it. The very vast majority of Americans of African descent likely cannot trace their records before the Civil War, if even that far. An essential component of chattel slavery is the complete dehumanization of peoples. As Prof. Skip Gates’ documentary series African Americans: Many Rivers to Cross made brutally clear, the changing of the names of slaves served to disconnect them from their ancestors to further alienate their humanity. Property doesn’t have a family tree.

Ironically, as shown in Many Rivers, major plantations often kept detailed genealogical records for slaves that could be used by modern African-Americans to trace their American history. Of the records that still exist, many are likely private property not open to the public. Even those records held in libraries will probably never help black Americans to trace their families prior to enslavement. As with many conditions of slavery, this erasing of personal histories is a national tragedy.

My whiteness affords me privileges not only in my present and my future, but in my ability to know my past.

On Flags

This week, a white terrorist murdered 9 black Americans in the Emanuel AME Church in Charleston, South Carolina. Emanuel, one of the oldest black churches in America, has for two centuries withstood natural disasters, bans and burnings, serving as a pillar of the community and a stalwart symbol of black resilience. The mass murderer, fueled by the racist vitriol that has plagued our nation for our entire history, intentionally targeted the congregation, traveling two hours from his hometown of Columbia, where the Confederate battle flag flies around the site of the state capitol building.

South Carolina’s relationship to the Confederacy and its symbols are inextricable. South Carolina was the first state to secede from the Union and Fort Sumter in Charleston was the site of the first engagement of the Civil War. The Confederacy’s main public policy and reason for existence, chattel slavery, was perhaps more integral to South Carolina than to any other Dixie state; by 1860, South Carolina had the highest percentage of slaves to total population (57%) and the highest percentage of slaveholders to free population (8.9%). The impact of such prolonged disparities continue to affect the state (and the country as a whole), as evidenced in part by the massacre in Charleston.

The actions of the terrorist (who shall remain nameless in this post so as to not publicize his notoriety further) have reignited a debate about the meaning of the Confederate battle flag and the place of symbols in our society. I use the term “Confederate battle flag” because those who defend the design are quick to point out that the flag did not represent the Confederate government, but rather Robert E. Lee’s Army of Northern Virginia, and is thus not a symbol of institutional racism, but of military valor. I find the argument for this interpretation lacking.

The battle flag is, by my way of thinking, an undeniable representation of the Confederate government. The idea for the battle flag, itself a modification of the original South Carolina flag of secession, came from General P.G.T. Beauregard. Beauregard’s aide designed the new flag, President Jefferson Davis gave official approval, and General Robert E. Lee was given the flag to fly during battle while representing the Confederacy. The “Southern cross” design was then incorporated into the official state flag of the Confederacy in 1863. In sum, the flag’s existence is owed to the efforts of three of perhaps the five most recognizable agents of the Confederate government. The flag, contrary to the romantic picture painted by defenders, did not arise from the dirt as a populist symbol of Southern unity; it was created by government officials for the express purpose of war.

But let us, for the sake of argument, accept that the battle flag is merely a symbol of the Confederate army, and not the greater government. Why would this improve the acceptability of the symbol? Creating a government structure based inflexibly upon the proprietary bondage of humans is a heavy enough offense, but does picking up arms for said cause not make the crime worse? The flag, in its military sense, represents the losing efforts of an army, consisting of 90% volunteers and mainly of poor white non-slaveholders tricked into believing they were fighting for their “homeland” or the nebulous concept of “states’ rights” by a gentry class that wished to combat any potential attempts at abolition. The battle flag is a symbol of sorrow, of classism, of racial disharmony, of bloodshed.

Following the loss of the Civil War, the plagued process of Reconstruction began in the South. The resentment of Northern control and the freeing of slaves prompted the birth of the Ku Klux Klan by Confederate veterans, who sought to overthrow Republican governance and reaffirm white supremacy by murdering black leaders. The Klan has existed in different phases for 150 years, killing thousands of African-Americans and other minorities. KKK members, seeing themselves as the continuation of the Confederacy, often carried the battle flag during their extrajudicial operations. The flag, already a symbol of slavery and the romanticization of the old South to many, became a symbol of lynching, adding another layer of fear for African-Americans.

The Confederate battle flag, as President Obama has recently stated, belongs in a museum, the proper place for an historical relic. I recognize the yearning of Southerners to differentiate themselves from the rest of the nation; it is a region with an incomparably fascinating cultural landscape. But the symbol Southerners have chosen to represent themselves is tainted- a hopeless source of racial tension in a region and country desperate for unity. Hold a convention. Send delegates. Craft a new symbol for the South, a symbol that showcases the diversity and the contributions of all of the South’s people, a symbol that doesn’t disenfranchise millions, and leave the battle flag in cemeteries where it belongs.

But let’s not stop there.

Let’s abandon our state and national flags. The Confederate battle flag is not the only representation of fear and evil flying in our country. To Native Americans, to Asian-American internment victims, to oppressed minorities, to innocent bystanders around the world, the Stars and Stripes represent the brutal and violent actions that Americans have allowed to define us for far too long.

Let’s take some time off.

Let’s recognize the full equality and autonomy of women.

Let’s stop persecuting our LGBTQ citizens.

Let’s stop treating property as more valuable than human life.

Let’s stop spying on and killing without cause our international neighbors.

Let’s cease the structural oppression of African-Americans through police brutality, racist drug laws, discriminatory housing policy, unequal education standards and labor prejudice.

Let’s reform our immigration system to finally reflect the dream of the New Colossus, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Let’s address the foundation of our country- the widespread, systematic slaughter, forced relocation and theft of Native American peoples, cultures and lands.

Let’s build a society that lives up to the excellence that we vainly presume to embody.

Until then, we don’t deserve a flag.

Which NBA Players Own Their Uniform Numbers?

Mitchell And Ness recently put out a graphic of the best players by uniform number in NBA history. I take issue with many choices.

http://grantland.com/the-triangle/heres-70-years-of-basketball-history-in-one-graphic/

These selections are kind of junky. I think naming the best player to ever wear a number is far less interesting than naming the players who most own these numbers. In some instances, they yield the same result. In others, they are very different. To truly own a number, I think you have to wear it for at least 3 seasons. In cases where nobody held the number for more than 3 years, I chose the player who excelled the most.

Number           Their Choice                My Choice

00                    Robert Parish              Robert Parish

0                      Russell Westbrook      Gilbert Arenas

Russ will undeniably take over this jersey position within the next 2 seasons, and has played better than Arenas did and for longer, but Gilbert’s nickname was Agent Zero, which buys him a few extra seasons of ownership (and my heart as a Wizards homer).

1                      Oscar Robertson         Tracy McGrady

Oscar only wore #1 after coming to the Bucks, for whom he played very well, but not his best. Tiny Archibald wore several different numbers, but would be the 3^rd choice. T-Mac wore #1 for 14 years and should walk right into the Hall of Fame in a few years.

2                      Moses Malone             Alex English

Moses wore 8 different numbers during his playing career, so I feel that he can’t own #2. Mitch Richmond could give English a run for his money due to his time wearing #2 on the Kings, but his Twitter handle includes the other number he wore (23), so The Blade holds this one.

3                      Allen Iverson              Allen Iverson

Look, I admit, DWade is the better player; he’s one of the 5 best shooting guards ever and has 3 rings. However, Iverson was an 11-time All Star, and his early 2000s black Sixers jersey is FAR more iconic than Wade’s Heat jersey.

4                      Dolph Schayes            Dolph Schayes

Props to Adrian Dantley and Joe Dumars.

5                      Kevin Garnett             Jason Kidd

KG played for the Celtics for 5 years, but Kidd wore #5 for over a decade, and his Nets jersey is iconic.

6                      Bill Russell                  Bill Russell

Sixers era Dr. J needs a salute here, but Bill Russell is either the 2^nd or 3^rd greatest player ever.

7                      Pete Maravich             Kevin Johnson

Nobody thinks #7 when they hear “Pistol Pete,” they rightfully think #44. Tiny and Melo have worn #7 proudly, but KJ owns it.

8                      Kobe Bryant               Kobe Bryant

Legend needing runner-up recognition: Walt Bellamy.

9                      Bob Pettit                    Bob Pettit

10                    Walt Frazier                Walt Frazier

Others: Jo Jo White; Louie Dampier.

11                    Karl Malone                Isiah Thomas

Choosing Lakers Malone here is absurdly terrible. There is a plethora of better options for this number- Elvin Hayes, Paul Arizin and Bob McAdoo to name a few. But let’s be real, Zeke is the leader of this club.

12                    John Stockton             John Stockton

Others: George Yardley; Dwight Howard.

13                    Wilt Chamberlain        Wilt Chamberlain

Shouts to Steve Nash.

14                    Oscar Robertson         ?

This is a cop out, but I just can’t choose between Oscar and Houdini. Bob Cousy wore #14 for 13 years, leading the league in assists for 8 of those consecutively, while averaging 19-8-5 and guiding his teams to 6 titles. Oscar wore the number for 10 years, leading the league in assists in 7 and scoring in one, while averaging a superhuman 29-10-9 stat line. I feel influenced to give the nod to Cooz because he wore the number longer and his teams were far more successful, but how do you argue with those Big O numbers?

15                    Hal Greer                    Hal Greer

This number has a long list of qualified entrants: Carmelo Anthony, Dirk McGuire, Earl Monroe, Tommy Heinsohn, Vince Carter. Greer, a somewhat forgotten Hall of Famer, wore #15 for his whole (auspiciously 15 year-long) career, making 10 straight All-Star appearances in the process.

16                    Bob Lanier                  Bob Lanier

Jerry Lucas wore #16 for the first 6 seasons of his career, making the All-Star team every year while averaging a gaudy 20 and 19. Pau Gasol has worn #16 for the entirety of his 14 year career, making 5 All-Star rosters, while averaging 18-9 and winning 2 titles. Bob Lanier, a forgotten superstar of the 70s, averaged a career 20-10 double-double with 8 All-Star seasons.

17                    John Havlicek             John Havlicek

Chris Mullin deserves recognition, but this number belongs to Hondo.

18                    Dave Cowens              Dave Cowens

Runner-up: Bailey Howell.

19                    Willis Reed                 Willis Reed

The Captain beats outs 6 time All-Star Vern Mikkelson.

20                    Gary Payton                Gary Payton

21                    Tim Duncan                Tim Duncan

Long list of other legends: Kevin Garnett; Dominique Wilkins; Bill Sharman; Dave Bing.

22                    Elgin Baylor                Elgin Baylor

Tough draw for Clyde the Glide Drexler, who would own most other numbers, as well as Dave DeBusschere.

23                    Michael Jordan            Michael Jordan

Lebron will NEVER own 23.

24                    Rick Barry                   Rick Barry

Others: 2^nd half Kobe; Sam Jones.

25                    Vince Carter                Chet Walker

VC is much better known for wearing #15. Chet Walker had 7 All-Star seasons and won a ring as the starting SF for the 1966-67 Philadelphia 76ers, considered by some to be the greatest team in NBA history. Legends Gus Johnson and Gail Goodrich deserve recognition as well.

26                    Unknown                    Kyle Korver

I honestly can’t decipher whose jersey that is supposed to be, but it should be Korver’s. While not an NBA legend by any stretch, he is easily the most notable player who has worn it for the appropriate length of time.

27                    Jack Twyman              Jack Twyman

Runner-up: Joe Caldwell.

28                    Sam Cassell                 Andrew Lang

I love Sam Cassell. Baltimore ride or die. But Andrew Lang wore this number for the length of his (admittedly mediocre) career.

29                    Marcus Camby            Paul Silas

Marcus Camby? Are we talking about college??

30                    Bernard King              Bernard King

George McGinnis is a very strong runner-up, and half of Sheed’s career should be mentioned, but Bernard was a freak.

31                    Reggie Miller              Reggie Miller

Runner-up: Matrix.

32                    Magic Johnson            Magic Johnson

Oh boy. *cracks knuckles in preparation to type out the list of runner-ups*: Billy Cunningham, Shaq, Karl Malone, Jerry Lucas, Kevin McHale, Bill Walton. This team would kill everybody.

33                    Kareem                        Kareem

BIRD PEOPLE HOLD YOUR TONGUE. Kareem has 6 rings, 3 college titles, 6 MVPs, 3 college player of the year awards, 19 All-Star selections, the NBA scoring record and the only signature move that matters. Others: Bird, Ewing, Mourning, Pippen and Thompson.

34                    Hakeem Olajuwon      Hakeem Olajuwon

Notable runners-up: Shaq, Ray Allen, Charles Barkley, Paul Pierce, Mel Daniels.

35                    Kevin Durant              Kevin Durant

36                    Rasheed Wallace         Rasheed Wallace

Carolina, priceless gem, receive all praises thine.

37                    Ron Artest                  Ron Artest

Criteria not met.

38                    Kwame Brown            Vitor Khryapa

Kwame Brown must never be mentioned again in my Wizards-loving presence.

39                    Greg Ostertag             Zeljko Rebraca

40                    Shawn Kemp              Shawn Kemp

Runner-up: Bill Laimbeer.

41                    Dirk Nowitzki             Dirk Nowitzki

I feel like a traitor to my state for not choosing Wes Unseld, who is criminally underappreciated, but Dirk wins.

42                    Nate Thurmond           James Worthy

Nate Thurmond is an undeniable legend. Worthy and Thurmond tie for AS selections with 7, and Thurmond’s numbers are gaudy (15-15), but Big Game James has 3 titles plus a college championship, and his #42 Lakers jersey is far more iconic. Connie Hawkins also needs to be mentioned.

43                    Jack Sikma                  Jack Sikma

Runner-up: Brad Daugherty.

44                    Jerry West                   Jerry West

He’s the Logo for a reason. The Iceman George Gervin, like the Glide at #22, is getting shafted here. Pistol Pete and Dan Issel are also in the conversation.

45                    Michael Jordan            Rudy Tomjanovich

The only time Rudy Tomjanovich (17-8 with 5 AS) will ever beat Michael Jordan.

46                    Bo Outlaw                  Dennis Bell

47                    Jerry Lucas                  Andrei Kirilenko

Lucas only wore the number for 1 year. Shout out to the early 2000s “Will Kirilenko be a star?” debate.

48                    Nazr Mohammed        Nazr Mohammed

49                    Shandon Anderson     Shandon Anderson

50                    David Robinson          David Robinson

Runner-ups: Ralph Sampson, Zach Randolph.

51                    Meta World Peace      Reggie King

52                    Jamaal Wilkes             Jamaal Wilkes

Runner-up: Buck Williams (go Terps).

53                    Artis Gilmore              Artis Gilmore

54                    Horace Grant              Horace Grant

55                    Dikembe Mutombo     Dikembe Mutombo

Runner-up: Kiki Vandeweghe.

56                    Francisco Elson           Francisco Elson

57                    Hilton Armstrong        Hilton Armstrong

Criteria not met.

60                    ?                                  Walt Kirk

61                    ?                                  Bevo Nordmann

62                    Scot Pollard                Scot Pollard

65                    George Ratkovicz       George Ratkovicz

66                    Scot Pollard                Price Brookfield

67                    ?                                  Moe Becker

Criteria not met.

68                    ?                                  Milt Schoon

Criteria not met.

70                    Dennis Rodman          Chuck Share

Criteria not met.

71                    Willie Naulls               Willie Naulls

Criteria not met.

72                    Jason Kapono              Jason Kapono

Criteria not met.

73                    Dennis Rodman          Dennis Rodman

Criteria not met.

76                    Shawn Bradley           Shawn Bradley

77                    Vlad Radmanovich     Gheorghe Muresan

83                    Craig Smith                 Craig Smith

Criteria not met.

84                    Chris Webber              Chris Webber

Criteria not met.

85                    Baron Davis                Baron Davis

Criteria not met.

86                    Chris Johnson              Semih Erden

Criteria not met.

88                    Nic Batum                   Nic Batum

89                    ?                                  Clyde Lovellette

90                    Drew Gooden             Drew Gooden

91                    Dennis Rodman          Dennis Rodman

92                    DeShawn Stevenson   DeShawn Stevenson

93                    Ron Artest                  Ron Artest

94                    Evan Fournier             Evan Fournier

Criteria not met.

96                    Ron Artest                  Ron Artest

Criteria not met.

98                    Jason Collins               Jason Collins

Criteria not met.

99                    George Mikan             George Mikan

2014 End of Year Watchlist

I watched 102 films in 2014. Some viewings were repeats, most were first time, almost all were from prior years. Living on the college time + money budget, getting to the theater was difficult, so I relied heavily on Netflix and old DVDs. Here’s the full list of everything I watched, with some comments when warranted.

True Swill

Seven Chances (1925) by Buster Keaton – 20/100

Racist smut.

Awful

Three Ages (1923) by Buster Keaton – 30/100

Triple Trouble (1918) by Charlie Chaplin – 40/100

The Knockout (1914) by Charles Avery – 45/100

 

Bad

Go West (1925) by Buster Keaton – 50/100

Orphans of the Storm (1921) by Buster Keaton – 50/100

The Birth of a Nation (1915) by D.W. Griffith – 50/100

100 for the production, 0 for the overt racism and historical inaccuracy. Averaged out to 50.

Between Showers (1914) by Henry Lehrman – 55/100

Steamboat Bill, Jr. (1928) by Buster Keaton – 60/100

Broken Blossoms (1919) by Buster Keaton – 60/100

Intolerance (1916) by D.W. Griffith – 60/100

 

Probematic

The Pawnshop (1916) by Charlie Chaplin – 65/100

Our Hospitality (1923) by Buster Keaton – 66/100

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984) by Steven Spielberg – 69/100

Indian people eating monkey brains and eyeball soup? Oh man, is this movie racist.

Seven (1995) by David Fincher – 70/100

The Lady Vanishes (1938) by Alfred Hitchcock – 70/100

Abraham Lincoln (1930) by D.W. Griffith – 70/100

Sherlock, Jr. (1924) by Buster Keaton – 70/100

Easy Street (1917) by Charlie Chaplin – 70/100

The Artist (2011) by Michel Hazanavicius – 71/100

 

Flawed

Foxcatcher (2014) by Bennett Miller – 72/100

The Fisher King (1991) by Terry Gilliam – 72/100

Behind the Screen (1916) by Charlie Chaplin – 72/100

Dazed and Confused (1994) by Richard Linklater – 74/100

Days of Heaven (1978) by Terrence Malick – 74/100

Gravity (2013) by Alfonso Cuarón – 75/100

Way Down East (1920) by Buster Keaton – 75/100

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939) by Frank Capra – 77/100

Frozen (2013) by Chris Buck & Jennifer Lee – 78/100

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004) by Rawson Marshall Thurber – 78/100 [rewatch]

American Beauty (1999) by Sam Mendes – 78/100

Casino Royale (2006) by Martin Campbell – 79/100

 

Good

Midnight in Paris (2011) by Woody Allen – 80/100

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998) by Terry Gilliam – 80/100

The Usual Suspects (1995) by Bryan Singer – 80/100

Badlands (1973) by Terrence Malick – 80/100

Rashomon (1950) by Akira Kurosawa – 80/100

The General (1926) by Buster Keaton – 80/100

Shanghaied (1915) by Charlie Chaplin – 80/100

Burn After Reading (2008) by Joel & Ethan Coen – 81/100

The Darjeeling Limited (2007) by Wes Anderson – 82/100

Good Will Hunting (1997) by Gus Van Sant – 82/100

Sleeper (1973) by Woody Allen – 83/100

Rope (1948) by Alfred Hitchcock – 83/100

Clerks (1994) by Kevin Smith – 84/100 [rewatch]

Raising Arizona (1987) by Joel & Ethan Coen – 84/100

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) by Steven Spielberg – 84/100

Get Low (2010) by Aaron Schneider – 85/100

The Social Network (2010) by David Fincher – 85/100

Glengarry Glen Ross (1992) by James Foley – 85/100

Die Nibelungen: Kriemhild’s Revenge (1924) by Fritz Lang – 85/100

 

Classics

Nightcrawler (2014) by Dan Gilroy – 86/100

Ghostbusters (1984) by Ivan Reitman – 86/100

What’s Up, Tiger Lilly? (1966) by Woody Allen – 86/100

A Fistful of Dollars (1964) by Sergio Leone – 86/100

One A.M. (1916) by Charlie Chaplin – 86/100

The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) by Wes Anderson – 87/100

The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou (2003) by Wes Anderson – 87/100 [rewatch]

Caddyshack (1980) by Harold Ramis – 87/100 [rewatch]

From Russia With Love (1963) by Terence Young – 87/100

Rushmore (1998) by Wes Anderson – 88/100 [rewatch]

Saving Private Ryan (1998) by Steven Spielberg – 88/100

Broadway Danny Rose (1984) by Woody Allen – 88/100

Raging Bull (1980) by Martin Scorsese – 88/100

Dr. No (1962) by Terence Young – 88/100

The Apartment (1960) by Billy Wilder – 88/100

The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948) by John Huston – 88/100

The Wolf of Wall Street (2013) by Martin Scorsese – 89/100 [rewatch]

Bernie (2012) by Richard Linklater – 89/100

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989) by Steven Spielberg – 89/100

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask) (1972) by Woody Allen – 89/100

 

Marvels 

The Maltese Falcon (1941) by John Huston – 90/100

Battleship Potemkin (1925) by Sergei Eisenstein – 90/100

Strike (1925) by Sergei Eisenstein – 90/100

12 Monkeys (1995) by Terry Gilliam – 91/100

Blazing Saddles (1974) by Mel Brooks – 91/100 [rewatch]

Die Nibelungen: Siegfried (1924) by Fritz Lang – 91/100

Silver Linings Playbook (2012) by David O. Russell – 92/100 [rewatch]

Love and Death (1975) by Woody Allen – 92/100

The Last Detail (1973) by Hal Ashby – 92/100 [twice]

Sunset Blvd (1950) by Billy Wilder – 92/100

The Immigrant (1917) by Charlie Chaplin – 92/100

Nebraska (2013) by Alexander Payne – 93/100

Barton Fink (1991) by Joel & Ethan Coen – 93/100

Young Frankenstein (1974) by Mel Brooks – 93/100 [rewatch]

 

True Genius

Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009) by Wes Anderson – 94/100

Lost in Translation (2003) by Sofia Coppola – 94/100

Boogie Nights (1995) by Paul Thomas Anderson – 95/100

Nosferatu (1922) by F.W. Murnau – 95/100

Boyhood (2014) by Richard Linkater – 96/100

The Royal Tenenbaums (2001) by Wes Anderson – 96/100 [rewatch]

Citizen Kane (1941) by Orson Welles – 96/100 [rewatch]

Metropolis (1927) by Fritz Lang – 96/100

Fargo (1996) by Joel & Ethan Coen – 97/100 [twice]

Taxi Driver (1976) by Martin Scorsese – 97/100

Paths of Glory (1957) by Stanley Kubrick – 97/100

The Godfather (1972) by Francis Ford Coppola – 98/100

The Cranes Are Flying (1957) by Mikhail Kalatozov – 99/100

Rear Window (1954) by Alfred Hitchcock – 99/100 [twice]

There Will Be Blood (2007) by Paul Thomas Anderson – 100/100

Apocalypse Now (1979) by Francis Ford Coppola – 100/100

Psycho (1960) by Alfred Hitchcock – 100/100

 

A full list of all of my film ratings can be found here:

http://www.criticker.com/profile/djcrawfo/

 

Here’s to a great 2015 of movie watching!

 

I Disagree: Indiana Jones Edition

This is a new column I’m going to try entitled “I Disagree,” wherein I will take a position on an issue that may be rather unpopular. While the very nature of the column is argumentative and alternative, my goal is not to come across as a hipster doofus taking contrary positions for the sake of self-aggrandizement. Part of the way we understand each other as people is through the processing and discussion of art, and this column is in no way designed to belittle those who hold opinions antithetical to my own.

Raiders of the Lost Ark holds a special place in the annals of untouchable cinema. The world’s introduction to film icon Indiana Jones has a following roughly as voracious in defense as that of Beyoncé Knowles; criticism is not tolerated, and any dissent is taken as a personal attack on the patron. Raiders is surely the best movie in the franchise, right? …

Well, who knows? We could try to assign ‘objective’ qualities to writing, direction, and production and analyze those efforts, but that would be altogether boring. All I can say is that it’s not my favorite; that title goes to The Last Crusade. Let’s get ready to rumble.

Don’t get me wrong- I like Raiders, who couldn’t? Harrison Ford runs through jungles and kills Nazis. Sign me up! The film is a blockbuster classic, and it’s tons of fun, but it just doesn’t speak to me on anything but a superficial level.

I didn’t grow up with Indiana in the way that so many Americans from the previous generation did. Truth be told, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was the first Indy film I remember seeing. I don’t break with the mainstream in acknowledging that Crystal Skull is a failure of epic proportions (Really guys? Aliens?), but I bring up the point to emphasize my lack of devout affection for the character. I grew up on George Lucas’ preceding blockbuster trilogy; Harrison Ford is Han Solo to me, not everyone’s favorite whip-slinging archaeologist.

Coming into the original trilogy unattached, and watching the three films back-to-back-to-back in the course of one evening, Raiders does not resonate with me the same way that The Last Crusade does. I find Raiders to be devoid of the human connection that I require in order for an action/adventure film to rise above in-the-moment pleasure and reach the level of lasting impact. Raiders is action-heavy and plot driven, which is great for an adventure flick, but I find myself longing for a deeper connection to these characters.

I believe that Marion is supposed to serve as an in-road to the audience’s emotional attachment to the plot. Marion is a beloved female lead, and rightfully so; she’s smart, and crafty, and pretty, and strong. But Harrison Ford, in his typical fashion, plays Indiana as a stoic mirror, and Marion reflects his lack of believable emotions. When we are first introduced to the couple in the Himalayas of Nepal, they yell at each other in such a cold manner that I momentarily check out. I don’t believe for a single second that these two have had a relationship in the past. In a hallmark scene of robotic acting, I am left unmoved. This is emblematic of a greater flaw I find with the film: none of the characters are very well developed. Who IS Indiana Jones? What motivates him? What is his code of ethics?

I posit that we don’t find out until The Last Crusade.

I have heard it mentioned before that one of the great aspects of Raiders is that it sets up the dichotomy of the protagonist wishing to preserve artifacts for the sake of historical integrity while the antagonist is merely after monetary compensation. I completely disagree. Indiana is shown multiple times in this film discussing financial rewards for his findings. In the final scene, Indy and Marcus make the case that the lost ark should be available to researchers for the purpose of study, but his motives for venturing into the field up to this point of the film are not clearly established as being purely academic. In The Last Crusade, however, a young Indiana (played by River Phoenix) steals an artifact from a wealth-driven villain and loudly proclaims that the piece “should be in a museum.” This statement is integral to our understanding of Indiana Jones as a character, in a way that no piece of dialogue is in Raiders.

Another strong point for The Last Crusade, to me, is that the plot feels like it has real, jarring stakes. I understand as an audience member that the Raiders Nazis are evil, but to what end is this battle raging? The ark is shrouded in mystery (in an effort to make a lasting effect on the climax of the film), so we don’t really know what makes the artifact valuable apart from mystical curiosity. The search for the ark is introduced as being the result of Nazi fascination with the occult, and though we know the historical significance of the mythical ark, and the blow to global morale that may take place if Hitler is the one to discover it, its meaning to the fight between good and evil is not fleshed out throughout the film. In The Last Crusade, however, the screenwriter makes it a point to emphasize that the Holy Grail grants eternal life to its possessor. The thought of an immortal Hitler is a concrete danger that compels my emotional investment in the chase. The Nazis in Crusade also feel dramatically more evil than in Raiders, where they are portrayed as quite cartoonish cannon fodder being set up to die visceral deaths. Crusade Nazis burn books, Raiders Nazis just burn.

But perhaps the high point of The Last Crusade is the inclusion of Sean Connery as Indiana’s father Dr. Henry Jones, Sr. The rocky relationship between father and son is what really makes Crusade stand apart from its franchisees (and most blockbuster movies, to be honest). This is a relationship with a visible, believable depth; you can see the conflict that Indiana feels when he is told that his father has disappeared, and the pain that Henry feels when he believes that he has lost his son for good. Henry is a brilliant, yet distant man, a father that teaches but doesn’t really learn. His obvious love for his son is masked by a thick layer of condescension, exemplified by his persistence in referring to Indy as “Junior” against his wishes. When Indiana berates his father for not being a more engaging and honest parent, Henry rightfully points out that his son can’t think of anything to talk about, either. This moment is storytelling genius; a witty commentary on the propensity for children to harbor unreasonable hostilities toward their upbringing that they must quickly abandon once pressed to examine true underlying causes. Indy goes through the trials and tribulations presented by the Grail’s house of rest in order to cure his dying father of his bullet wound, and when Henry in turn saves his son from falling to his death by speaking “Indiana, let it go,” my heart cries. I finally care about these characters.

Not to be outdone in terms of entertainment, The Last Crusade has my favorite lines of the whole franchise, including:

“Nazis. I hate these guys.”

“No ticket!”

“He chose… poorly.”

“It tells me that goose-stepping morons like yourself should try reading books instead of                       BURNING them!

“She talks in her sleep.”

“This is intolerable!”

“I should have mailed it to the Marx Brothers!”

“DON’T call me Junior!”

“Does anyone here speak English? Or even Ancient Greek?”

and of course

“We named the dog Indiana.”

 

In sum, The Last Crusade has less in common with the first two films in its franchise than it does with a James Bond film (appropriate given Connery’s performance). Perhaps my affection for this film is driven mainly by the affection I have for Connery’s 007, of whom I see a great deal in Ford’s Indiana Jones. I recognize that even die-hard fans have differing opinions about the specific mixture of action, humor, and sex that they prefer for their Bond films, and as I cannot begrudge other fans for preferring action hero Daniel Craig to the charm of my beloved Connery, I cannot blame those who hold Raiders of the Lost Ark above The Last Crusade.

At least we can all agree that Temple of Doom sucks.

 

Wrestling with Foxcatcher

December is an extremely busy time for cinephiles. With the coming of the holiday season, studios push Oscar bait out into theaters in order to qualify for the Academy Awards presented in February. We wait and wait for the air to turn cold so that we can view the year’s best films in a dizzying sequence during the happiest time of the year. We desperately hope to receive the great movies we were promised.

Foxcatcher (2014), as with so many high-profile movies subject to early year hype, is a bitter disappointment.

Directed by Bennett Miller (Capote; Moneyball) and based on the true story of the Schultz brothers (American wrestling heroes) and their disturbed benefactor John du Pont (heir to the DuPont chemical fortune), the movie follows Mark (Channing Tatum), the younger of the brothers, on his rocky journey to the 1988 Olympic games in Seoul. Steve Carell, hidden under a prosthetic nose and intense makeup, stars as du Pont, whose sprawling East Pennsylvania estate (Foxcatcher Farms) serves as the living and training quarters for Schultz and his teammates. More a dramatic character study than a sports movie, Foxcatcher often feels aimless and interminable.

In its defense, the film is visually striking, contrasting the power and beauty of the Pennsylvania woodland with the dark and dingy lighting indoors (mirroring the emotional arc of Mark). Du Pont’s mansion is filled with material trinkets, sterile doll house fixtures meant to be seen but not touched. The off-kilter mega-millionaire lives in a massive farm house with his servants and disapproving mother, wallowing away like Charles Foster Kane from lavish excess. Carell wrings out as much mileage as he can from a poorly written character, convincing the audience of du Pont’s desperate loneliness and delusions of grandeur.

Unfortunately, Tatum’s character is not in the least bit compelling. Mark’s relationship with his older and more decorated brother (Mark Ruffalo) is portrayed as a complex rivalry anchored in familial attachment, but the siblings’ obvious love is addressed superficially. Important details of the brothers’ backstories are explained with jarring exposition. Early on, du Pont’s aide privately questions Mark about his family history in a clunky scene- a grilling which serves only to inform the audience that the brothers had an unstable childhood.

Numerous unnecessary scenes of tell-don’t-show expand the film’s criminal runtime (134 minutes), exacerbating the effects of the deliberate pace. Movie magic also makes an appearance when Mark gains 12 pounds from an afternoon’s worth of room service fried chicken and then proceeds to make weight after a 90 minute sweat-a-thon.

The startling climax is at least interesting, but the film does not properly earn the drama of the conclusion. Rather than satisfied with the movie, I left the theater feeling as isolated and cold as Carell’s du Pont.

Score: 72/100.

A Better Ranking of Led Zeppelin Songs

Last week, Spin magazine published a list of the rankings of every Led Zeppelin song. Their list was disgusting trash, so here is what I deem to be a much better list. The difference between my rankings and Spin’s are placed next to the song titles.

 

THE TERRIBLE

 

92. “LA Drone” ↓ 5

Not so much a song as a brief introduction to How the West Was Won, this is just a 14 second piece of aptly-named droning noise. This wins the worst song title by default.

91. “Carouselambra” ↓ 65

The worst real song Zeppelin ever released. As you can see, Spin thought this was good enough to make the top 1/3 of the catalog, which I find thoroughly offensive. The synth riff at the beginning is intrusive and lazy, and Plant’s vocals sound even more distant than usual. A meandering, 10+ minute exercise in manual masturbation, I never care to hear this song again.

90. “Candy Store Rock” ↓ 4

Presence is an atrocious album. The members of Zeppelin were so high and so far up their own asses and nowhere is this more audible than in “Candy Store Rock.” How many times did Robert Plant say the word “baby” in the Zeppelin catalog? I’m willing to bet 500, many of them in this song alone.

89. “All My Love” ↓ 30

Okay, the synth strings sound pretty cool, but even half the band hated this song. Plant’s tone during the chorus sounds about as pleasant as pained cat. For some reason, classic rock radio seems intent on making this song a fixture of the catalog. I can’t possibly understand why.

88. “Living Loving Maid (She’s Just a Woman)” ↓ 38

The lowest point of the Golden Era of Zeppelin, this annoying mimicry of The Byrds is (pun intended) for the birds.

87. “Royal Orleans” ↓ 5

A great intro riff that is incredibly wasted by Plant’s muttering nonsense lyrics and a verse structure that tries to be jazzy.

 

THE BAD

 

86. “Walter’s Walk” ↓ 14

The intro lick promises Hendrix’s energy, but a rare poor performance from Bonham and Plant’s typical faded lyrics keep the potential from turning kinetic.

85. “Tea for One” ↓ 4

Awkward tempo change + Terrible vocals + Pretentious masturbatory guitar solo = 10 minutes of aural pain.

84. “South Bound Saurez” ↓ 5

As far as I’m concerned, this is just 4 minutes of Robert Plant muttering “baby” over faux-dance hall piano.

83. “Baby Come on Home” ↓ 17

Ew. I refuse to believe that the Hammer of the Gods recorded this pseudo-church hymn. I banish this from my playlists for all time.

82. “Key to the Highway/Trouble in Mind” (Not Listed)

Plant’s vocals sound intentionally off on this track, and I don’t appreciate it.

81. “Hots On For Nowhere” ↓ 10

Essentially a joke of an attempt at songwriting. Late Zeppelin was characterized by too much reliance on effects, onomatopoeia and rolling beats.

80. “Sick Again” ↓ 16

The worst song on Physical Graffiti, a junk closer unbefitting of the rest of the album.

79. “Wearing and Tearing” ↓ 28

This song sounds like what I imagine a bad coke binge to feel like.

78. “C’mon Everybody” (Not Listed)

Straight-forward concert intro rocker.

77. “The Wanton Song” ↓ 50

Foreshadowing the remainder of Zeppelin’s career, this song could have been placed on Presence or ITTOD without anyone noticing.

76. “Poor Tom” ↓ 16

Interesting drums from Bonham, but there is a reason the band never performed this song live: it’s boring.

75. “Out on the Tiles” ↓ 21

This song is so harsh. The chorus is poorly constructed, and Plant’s vocals don’t fit the otherwise acceptable instrumentation (per usual).

74. “Somethin’ Else” ↑ 10

Meh. A candy dancing tune. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

THE OKAY

 

73. “We’re Gonna Groove” ↓ 4

A straight-forward rock song, and a pretty bad one at that.

72. “Your Time Is Gonna Come” ↓ 28

The worst song on the debut album, this piece seems fairly pointless. Probably explains why it’s buried in the middle of the album.

71. “Thank You” ↓ 13

This ballad is in such a strange place on Led Zeppelin II, sandwiched in between the blues of “The Lemon Song” and “Heartbreaker.” The album would have been much better had this flop been left off the track listing.

70. “Ozone Baby” ↑ 10

I actually enjoy this song more than Spin does. Plant nearly kills it with his icky “ooo”s, but the rest of the band keeps it together enough to keep the song out of the bottom 20.

69. “In the Evening” ↓ 30

What was Plant doing on In Through the Out Door that made him sound like he was holding his nose while singing? Not the low point of the album, for sure, but not great either.

68. “Bron-Yr-Aur” ↓ 22

Insubstantial acoustic picking, but fairly pleasant.

67. “In the Light” ↓ 37

Spin appreciates this song a lot more than I do. I find it annoyingly effects-driven and rather aimless.

66. “Night Flight” ↑ 2

Good verses, awful chorus. For shame.

65. “I’m Gonna Crawl” ↓ 9

A great intro that goes nowhere. An anti-climactic finale to a thoroughly painful album.

64. “Down By the Seaside” ↓ 11

Not offensive, but not memorable either.

63. “Nobody’s Fault But Mine” ↓ 30

Robert Plant should have retired after the release of Physical Graffiti. There is no reason to have his incessant off-key wailing ruining fine instrumentation.

62. “Black Country Woman” ↑ 16

A fairly solid penultimate track on the poor back half of Physical Grafitti, I’ll treat this song as the border between the bottom and middle thirds of the catalog.

 

THE GOOD

 

61. “Jennings Farm Blues” (Not Listed)

An instrumental Frankenstein made of parts of other songs on LZIII, this recent bonus track is a good entry into the middle third.

60. “Bathroom Sound” (Not Listed)

Essentially “Out on the Tiles” minus Plant’s bad vocals. Removing the words moves the song up 15 spots!

59. “Darlene” ↑ 26

I like this song much more than Spin. For once, Plant’s nonsensical wailing actually fits the instrumentation! I love the riff from Page as well.

58. “Travelling Riverside Blues” ↓ 20

An unnecessary cover of the Robert Johnson classic, but still a solid performance.

57. “The Girl I Love She Got Long Black Wavy Hair” ↑ 18

This is a mediocre jam, but it’s not offensive and it’s a useful vessel for Page soloing.

56. “I Can’t Quit You Baby” ↓ 16

Droning blues. Could be better, could be worse.

55. “For Your Life” ↑ 22

Page and Bonham save this song from falling into the trap that holds the rest of Presence. There is nothing particularly fancy or memorable in this song; it is unobtrusive and bland at worst.

54. “Bonzo’s Montreux” ↑ 16

A legendary Bonham performance, but a drum solo was never going to crack my top 50.

53. “The Rain Song” ↓ 44

9^th? Seriously? I’m pretty sure they were actually joking.

52. “The Crunge” ↓ 3

Funky slash chords, rambling bass line. Saccharine.

51. “That’s the Way” ↓ 38

I used this song in assignment for English class in the 8^th grade. Deep lyrics are not something Zeppelin usually excelled at, but there is an exception to most rules. The instrumentation is fairly boring, which prevents the song from entering the top 50.

50. “Hats Off to (Roy) Harper” ↑ 17

One of the few instances of fading effects paying off, Plant sounds demonic on this track.

49. “Fool in the Rain” ↓ 44

My dad (who was 19 when ITTOD came out) HATED this song. Whenever it came on the radio, he’d change the channel. I would guffaw, as I enjoyed it a good deal as a child. I’ve come around a bit on his opinion, but I still love the chord progression and the outro solo.

48. “Communication Breakdown” ↓ 20

Noise, pure and simple. This song won’t change your life, or even your mood. A solid energetic rocker.

47. “When the Levee Breaks” ↓ 41

Spin writers are on crack if they think this is the 6^th best Led Zeppelin song- it has no business being 7 minutes long and it’s noticeably repetitive. Still sounds cool as hell, though.

46. “Rock and Roll” ↓ 14

Overrated song with an aptly descriptive title.

45. “Tangerine” ↑ 3

Mystical verses. Disappointing chorus. Still strange enough to make the upper 50%.

44. “Celebration Day” ↓ 3

The intro lick sounds like a man pulling his hair out during a frustrating day. The song is a pleasant sort of hectic, something Zeppelin was great at if the opportunity presented itself.

43. “La La” ↑ 31

Far out, man. Totes psychedelic.

42. “You Shook Me” ↑ 34

A great cover song, but too slow for its own good.

41. “Ten Years Gone” ↓ 34

There’s truly not much I can say about this song. It can’t make the top 40, but’s it’s good enough to not fall much lower.

40. “The Lemon Song” ↓ 3

This song was a lot better when it was called “Killing Floor” and being performed by the legendary Howlin’ Wolf, and at its best when it was covered by Jimi Hendrix during the BBC Sessions. Zeppelin’s version is a solid showing, but doesn’t hold a candle to the others’.

39. “Good Times Bad Times” ↓ 20

The world’s introduction to Led Zeppelin- the first song on the first album. A good primer, but not an all-time classic.

38. “Immigrant Song” ↓ 28

When you’re 6 years old and hear this song for the first time, you feel like you’ve been possessed by the spirit of the devil. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

37. “Boogie with Stu” ↑ 36

This song is thoroughly better than Spin gives it credit for being. It’s a great callback to 50’s boogie and a welcome relief to the disappointing back half of Physical Graffiti.

36. “Black Dog” ↓ 25

I’ve heard this song probably 1,000 times, and it plays on the radio every 15 minutes. Not Zeppelin’s best work, but a great simple rocker nonetheless.

 

THE GREAT

 

35. “Black Mountain Side” ↑ 12

A great song made better when combined with “White Summer” as stated below.

34. “D’Yer Mak’er” ↑ 2

A song with few equivalents (“Jamaica Jerk-Off” by Elton John comes to mind), this piece is somewhat of a novelty. Classic, but not top-third caliber.

33. “Trampled Under Foot” ↑ 9

Funky, man, funky.

32. “Hot Dog” ↑ 51

I can’t understand why everyone hates this song. It’s such a great romp- a little bit country, a little bit rock and roll, a lotta bit awesome.

31. “Heartbreaker” ↓ 28

A simple riff used as an excuse for a masturbatory Page solo, the song is too iconic and important to the development of rock music to fall into the middle third of the catalog, but not good enough to make the top third. I’ll place it in the space in between.

30. “Misty Mountain Hop” ↓ 22

How this cracked Spin’s top 10 is beyond me. Don’t get me wrong, this is a great song, but not THAT great.

29. “No Quarter” ↓ 7

Acid trip music if I’ve ever heard it.

28. “The Rover” ↑3

A good riff and a great bridge between songs, “The Rover” is a fan favorite for good reason.

27. “Whole Lotta Love” ↓ 15

An iconic track due to the sex breakdown, this song is bookended by a fairly simple riff. Plant, however, is on top of his game attacking with great electricity in his voice. Still, overrated.

26. “Friends” ↑ 31

Spin disrespected this song by placing it 57^th. The guitar work isn’t particularly amazing, but the feel of the tune is so haunting. The strings in the background make my hair stand up.

25. “Bron-Yr-Aur Stomp” ↑ 10

“Stomp” is a great word to describe this song. “As I walk down a country lane, you’ll hear me singing a song and calling your name.” The instrumentation perfectly suits an on-foot journey.

24. “Custard Pie” ↑ 38

62^nd? Are you f*cking kidding me?! This is Zeppelin’s best sexual euphemism and everything gels perfectly. The riff never lets up and Plant’s strained moaning of “I just want a piece of your custard pie” sounds surprisingly authentic. A perfect album-opener.

23. “The Song Remains the Same” ↓ 3

I love this song, and it’s a great album opener, but it’s longer than it needs to be.

22. “Gallows Pole” ↑ 41

Another classic blues standard, Zeppelin converted Leadbelly’s famous recording into a mandolin-and-banjo-driven romp that never lets up.

21. “Dancing Days” ↑ 40

One of the first riffs I think of when considering Led Zeppelin, “Dancing Days” is an absolute classic. Spin dropped the ball substantially by placing this song outside of the top 60.

20. “White Summer/Black Mountain Side” (Not Listed)

A better, longer packaging of the great acoustic gem “Black Mountain Side.”

19. “Stairway to Heaven” ↓ 15

Another fairly overrated radio staple. Epic? Certainly. As enjoyable as the next 18 songs? Hardly.

18. “Hey Hey What Can I Do?” ↑ 27

“I said I got a little woman and she won’t be true!” Plant screams in a violent interjection of an otherwise soft and ethereal classic.

 

THE TRANSCENDENT 

 

17. “Going to California” ↑ 12

“Someone told me there’s a girl out there with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair.” A remarkably beautiful love ballad. Page’s mandolin adds a pretty touch.

16. “Houses of the Holy” ↑ 7

“Let me take you to the movies. Can I take you to the show? Can I be yours ever truly? Can I make your garden grow?” Biblical imagery has never been so sexy.

15. “Moby Dick” ↑ 28

How did Spin rank this song so low? I know the riff is a simple scale, but this piece of music is one of the most easily identifiable as a Zeppelin opus- an auditory behemoth of an instrumental.

14. “The Battle of Evermore” ↑ 38

How did this not crack Spin’s top 50? Maybe I am biased as a mandolinist, but this song sounds like being transported back to the 14^th century.

13. “The Ocean” ↑ 1

Another of the first few Zeppelin riffs that come to mind immediately, “The Ocean” is a showcase of the talents of every band member, and a fantastic close to Houses of the Holy.

12. “Four Sticks” ↑ 22

This song is so crunchy and gritty. Plant’s straining sounds amazing; the riff sounds evil.

11. “Bring it on Home” ↑ 44

Another unforgettable Spin ranking. Very arguably the best closer in the history of rock music. Is there a more iconic moment in Zeppelin’s entire catalog than when the harmonica bleeds out in “Bring it on Home” and Page turns his amp up to 11? I think not.

10. “How Many More Times” ↑ 55

Spin’s ranking of this classic at 65^th is an unforgivable travesty. John Paul Jones’ rolling bass line is one of the most iconic in all of rock music. Spin’s argument that the song is too long doesn’t hold any water, as it never becomes boring at any point in the eight-and-a-half minutes that it pulses.

9.  “Since I’ve Been Loving You” ↑ 12

Page honestly sounds like his fellow Yardbirds band member Jeff Beck on this song. Plant’s strained delivery at the end of the song is so desperately sad, it’s nearly impossible to not adore this piece.

8.  “In My Time of Dying” ↑ 17

This song is an amazing piece of art, and how it just barely cracked Spin’s top 25 is beyond me. Zeppelin always had a solid bet with covering old blues standards, and this is not different. The slide guitar is simple but whimsical. Plant actually sounds good for a change.

7.  “Over the Hills and Far Away” ↓ 6

This song has no business being ranked #1 on Spin’s list, but it is a truly classic song, and when the electricity kicks in, you feel the jolt hard.

6.  “Dazed and Confused” ↑ 10

John Paul Jones’ bass line creeps the hell out of you. Plant sounds like the devil. Page is a sorcerer of the occult. Kick-ass.

5.  “Ramble On” ↑ 13

Fascinating percussion, a wonderful bass line, an economical Page, a kick-ass acoustic-electric transition, and plenty of Lord of the Rings references. Classic Zeppelin.

4.  “What Is and What Should Never Be” ↑ 11

Everything I love about Zeppelin is contained in this song: interesting licks from Page, thunderous drums from Bonham, well-executed effects, a strong Plant vocal performance, and a massive monkey wrench structure change that kicks you square in the jaw.

3.  “Babe I’m Gonna Leave You” ↑ 21

When the electricity kicked in on this song in October 1968, it changed rock music forever for the better. How Spin only ranked it 24^th is a serious mystery to me.

2.  “Kashmir” ↔

The only ranking that Spin and I agree on. “Kashmir” is titanic. I’ve encountered nothing quite like it in all my years of music consumption. I hated this song when I was a child, but I began to appreciate it as soon as I got to college. Go figure.

1.  “Achilles Last Stand” ↑ 16

Zeppelin’s greatest song was a no-brainer for me. Plant and Bonham are downright menacing on this track, with Page’s guitar sounding like a fighter jet zooming through the air on a mission from God himself.

 

 

The Best Team Names in the NBA

It’s the NBA off-season and college basketball hasn’t started yet, so I need to get my fix. Last year, Zach Lowe from Grantland posted an article detailing his personal list of the best team names in the NBA. Needless to say, our choices vary greatly. Here’s mine, in descending order:

30. Miami Heat

I get it… because it’s hot in Miami…

29. New Orleans Pelicans

Pelicans look like cartoon birds drawn by artists tripping on acid. I’m not afraid of “The Pelicans,” the name sounds like a very poor joke.

28. Phoenix Suns

I get it again… because it’s hot in Phoenix…

27. Orlando Magic

Boooooooo corporate advertising. We all know Disney World is in Orlando, but this team name is incredibly lame. In fairness to the Magic, I tried to come up with an alternate name, but the only feature of Orlando culture I could think of was Disney World. Perhaps Orlando shouldn’t have a team…

26. Brooklyn Nets

The net is literally the object that hangs beneath the rim. This name is synonymous with calling a baseball team “The Birmingham Base Chalk.” Brooklyn is one of the coolest places on Earth, which makes the terribleness of this name even worse.

25. Philadelphia 76ers

Look, I think it’s great that Philadelphia is proud of its history regarding the founding of the United States, but 1776 isn’t the proper subject for a team name. Philadelphia has terrible sports names in general (I’m looking at you, Philadelphia Phillies), but this one is particularly lazy. Just rename the team “The Philadelphia Freedom,” the colors could even remain the same.

24. Cleveland Cavaliers

The last time I checked, the city of Cleveland had absolutely nothing to do with the English Civil War, Charles I or lavish dress. Ironically, Cleveland was cavalier about this naming decision. I have no idea what to choose as an alternative, because I know next-to-nothing about Cleveland, Ohio, other than what I learned from years of watching The Drew Carey Show. I will say, however, that Cleveland has awful sports team names in general, including the horribly offensive “Indians” and the confusing “Browns.”

23. Indiana Pacers

Full disclosure: my impressions of Indiana may or may not be completely based on the television show Parks and Recreation. Also, as a native of Maryland, I find it offensive that Indianapolis claims the nickname “Naptown,” which should only be applied to our state’s beautiful capital, Annapolis. That being said, I suppose I will give Indiana an A for effort and a D for results. “Pacers” is an obvious allusion to the Indianapolis 500, and the notion of speed crafted by the name is appealing for basketball purposes, but “pacer” makes me think of “pacemaker,” a bad omen for the 11^th most obese state in America.

22. Portland Trail Blazers

“Trail Blazers” fits with the city of Portland, but it just doesn’t sound pleasant. “Portland Trail Blazers” has a clunky rhythm. I have no idea for a replacement name, because Portland is too strange of a place to pencil down in one word.

21. Denver Nuggets

This is an obvious Gold Rush allusion, but I don’t find it compelling. A “nugget” is a nondescript item. Denver has great team names apart from this slug, particularly the Colorado Avalanche of the NHL. I think the team should take advantage of the huge presence of the nearby US Air Force and change the name to the Colorado Reapers.

20. Golden State Warriors

This is as generic as a sports team name can be. I wholeheartedly urge Steve Kerr to lobby to change the name of this team to the San Francisco Fog, which is relevant, menacing, and supremely cool. The team could even have fog emanating from the stands during warm-ups! What a missed opportunity.

19. Los Angeles Clippers

This team name made a lot of sense when the team was based in San Diego, a city actually built on the water that houses clipper boats. Los Angeles, on the other hand, is landlocked. You do the math.

18. Los Angeles Lakers

This team name made a lot of sense when the team was based in Minneapolis, a city actually built near a ton of lakes. Los Angeles, on the other hand, doesn’t even have its own water supply. Womp womp.

17. Oklahoma City Thunder

If the team is to keep “Thunder” as the name, they should drop “City” and simply be “The Oklahoma Thunder,” which sounds immensely better than the current state. I, however, think the team should be “The Oklahoma Outlaws” instead, which is much more relevant to my conception of Oklahoma.

16. Utah Jazz

This is another misnomer only because of relocation. This team used to be based in New Orleans, and is easily the best of the one word non-pluralized names. The New Orleans Jazz is a badass name, but Utah is probably the least “jazzy” place in America, and so the Jazz must stay in the bottom half of NBA team names.

15. Toronto Raptors

I actually enjoy this name, but the focus is on the wrong animal. The name appears to be an allusion to velociraptors, but I prefer to think of it as a reference to raptors, a family of birds that includes falcons, hawks, eagles and buzzards. “Raptor” quite literally means “seizer,” which is fantastic. Keep the name, change the mascot.

14. Sacramento Kings

This name is generic, boring and does not relate to northern California in any way to my knowledge, but it is also inoffensive. Middle-of-the-pack to the extreme.

13. Washington Wizards

As a Baltimore homer, I have to say that I think the Baltimore Bullets is probably the best team name in NBA history. That name lost most of its luster when the team moved to neighboring (and worse) Washington, D.C. “The Washington Bullets” lacks the wonderful alliteration that made the original name ideal. Picking up on the alliteration, the team changed the name to “The Washington Wizards” in the late 90s. As a fan of the Wizards, I have a soft spot for the name, but it has nothing to do with the regional identity of Mid-Atlantic residents or the city of Washington. I think the team should be called “The Washington Monuments,” and the logo could be an anthropomorphic Washington Monument with arms palming a basketball in each hand. Tell me that wouldn’t be amazing.

12. Atlanta Hawks

Hawks are fantastic animals, but to my knowledge, hawks have no specific relevance to the city of Atlanta.

11. Memphis Grizzlies

“Grizzlies” is actually my favorite name in the NBA, but the team is kept out of the top 10 due to relocation. At origin, the team was based in Vancouver, British Columbia, a territory known for the presence of grizzly bears. Memphis, predictably, has no grizzly bears.

10. Milwaukee Bucks

There is something about “Milwaukee Bucks” that makes the phrase very fun to say. Bucks are also great animals, and the giant, lifeless deer head that the team uses for a logo is scary.

9.  Minnesota Timberwolves

“Minnesota Timberwolves” rolls off the tongue. With a 4-syllable locale, the team was somewhat limited in the names it could choose, and this one is perfect. The timber wolf is a majestic creature that has specific ties to Minnesota, and Crunch the Wolf is probably the best mascot in the NBA.

8.  Dallas Mavericks

The first word that comes to mind when I think of Dallas is “Maverick.” “Maverick” is a byword for a stubborn pioneer and it was the title of a classic television show set in Texas. The color scheme also works perfectly with the horse mascot, and the name perfectly suits owner Mark Cuban.

7.  San Antonio Spurs

Quick, picture San Antonio. Did you think of tumbleweeds and cowboy boots? Me too. That’s why “The Spurs” is a perfect name for San Antonio.

6.  Charlotte Hornets

Charlotte is nicknamed both “The Queen City” and “The Hornets’ Nest,” which makes “Hornets” the perfect name for this team. The honeycomb pattern on the hardwood floor of the arena is interminably awesome.

5.  Boston Celtics

It’s hard to argue with the classics. “Boston Celtics” has a perfect cadence and the name matches perfectly with the Irish heritage of the city. The color scheme is probably the most appealing in the entire league, and Lucky the Leprechaun is one of the best mascots in all of professional sports.

4.  Houston Rockets

A reference to the Lyndon B. Johnson Space Center in Houston, “Rockets” is a perfect name for an NBA team and lends itself to numerous “lift off” based puns.

3.  Chicago Bulls

Easily the best logo in the NBA, the bull is a menacing creature that strikes fear into the hearts of many. Chicago has a long history of meatpacking, so the name has regional cache. Everything works.

2.  New York Knicks

A shortening of “knickerbocker,” a type of pant commonly worn by the Dutch settlers of 17^th century New York, the name has little actual meaning or relevance today, but it sounds lively and fun. “New York Knicks” has the best rhythm of any NBA team name and it suits the city of New York immensely well.

1.  Detroit Pistons

The best name in the NBA. Basketball is a team sport that requires all of its parts to work together like a car engine, so it makes great sense that the Motor City would call its team “The Pistons.” The rhythm works, the color scheme is fantastic and the imagery works wonders. Kudos, Detroit, you’ve done something right for once.

Check back soon for a list of the best and worst team logos in the NBA. I get bored a lot.

The Average Film

I’ve reached 400 feature-length movies on my watchlist with yesterday’s viewing of Robert Altman’s The Long Goodbye (1973). Business school dork that I am, I keep an Excel spreadsheet listing all of my numerical ratings of every film I watch. At the 400 movie mark, I thought it would be interesting to look at the numbers to see what my average, median and most frequent (mode) ratings were.

This process is inherently biased, as I obviously select movies to watch that I think I will enjoy or that others have reviewed positively, so the figures will likely be higher than if I watched every movie ever made and ran the numbers. Selection bias with a limited number of data points. What can I do besides watch more films?

Anyway, here’s what the stats say:

Average score- 72.945 (e.g. Forrest Gump, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Tropic Thunder)

Median score- 78 (e.g. The King’s Speech, My Cousin Vinny, The Breakfast Club)

Most frequent score- 78

Score Bin	Frequency
0	2
5	0
10	7
15	1
20	3
25	6
30	3
35	2
40	11
45	7
50	4
55	17
60	14
65	22
70	29
75	42
80	70
85	65
90	50
95	27
More	18

When plotted as a histogram, this data shows the range from 55-100 being of very roughly normal shape with a long left tail of outliers. It feels nice to see that my rankings are usually at least internally consistent.